Wednesday, December 30, 2009


So 5 sleeps to go before my 12 week scan. It's on monday next week. I will be exactly 12 weeks. I - am - scared. I haven't felt any movement for a number of days, and the food aversion/nausea is pretty much gone. But still very tired. I so need to see my baby. To be reassured it's still alive. To know it's little heart is still beating. I just can't see the 12 week scan. I can't imagine it in my head. I just can't. I'm constantly trying but it wont happen. I haven't had a succcessful one since Jordan 4 years ago. This is doing my head in.
God give me faith.

Friday, December 25, 2009

restrained... but positive :)

Again I haven't written for a few weeks. I'm finding it hard not to gush over this baby, and until I see it kicking away at the 12 week scan, I just can't allow myself to get too... 'gushy'.

So I'm almost 11 weeks. Monday I will be 11 weeks. Monday I will make my appointment to see my baby within the following week. And I will continue to hold my breath just a little until we get there.

On the positive side, I've felt a little bit of movement. I don't care what anyone says, if the baby is big enough to feel it if it were sitting in the palm of my hand, then I can feel it moving in my belly. And I've felt it move a little a few times now. Just as I did with Jordan. And at 12 weeks I was feeling full movement when pregnant with him, and I expect I'll feel the same this time around.

We chose Christmas day to announce the pregnancy on FaceBook, and to tell family members that we saw at lunch today. Everyone seems really happy for us. I printed out a pic of belly babe and just casually showed it to my grandma, and my uncle's new wife, and it took a second for them to realise what they were looking at. Of course it was followed by hugs and kisses. So wonderful to have support.

My belly is so big. Honestly, I didn't show this much until I was 20 weeks with Jordan. I'm only 10 1/2. Hopefully it will ease off a bit soon and not keep growing at the rate it has been!!

Should go to bed now. So so tired after last night's late night getting the house and food prepared for Christmas breakfast this morning. I had about 4 hours and have felt exhausted all day. Hopefully a long restful sleep tonight.

Merry Christmas!!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

waiting to exhale...

I haven't written for over a month. I knew that if I wrote, I would not be able to resist writing those words that excite and scare me. I was too scared to write those words for fear that writing them, they would no longer be. I still have that fear, but don't want to deny what is. I need to have faith in God, and not in superstition (though I'm certainly not supersticious).

Here are the words... I am pregnant. There. Said it. I've been happy to tell people, but something about writing it down, here, it scared me. I've been left feeling foolish too many times because I've jumped the gun and spoken of my babies too early. But today was special. Today we saw our precious little bubba and her heartbeat. Or his. Whatever. I don't care what the sex is, I just want a baby. It looked like a little bean, with not much to see but a small body, large head, and a little perfect flashing heart that was beating wildly at 167bpm!! Awesome. I am 8 weeks 1 day, and in 4 weeks I will be out of the woods, and will be able to breathe a little easier. Today I allowed myself to exhale just a little, in 4 weeks, I will release and take a full breath for the first time in 8 weeks. God is good. So good to me.

I am exhausted. The nausea isn't anywhere near as bad as it was with Jordan, which makes me wonder if this is a little girl, but the fatigue is awful. And Jordan just wakes up so early every morning.

Can't write anymore. Need to go to bed.

By the way. There is definitely only ONE baby in there. Praise God!!!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


It's 11pm and Jordan still isn't asleep. He's gotten up out of bed more times than I can remember and I am exhausted. I really wanted an early night. This is really getting to me...
Wait... I think I hear the sweet sound of my sons soft snoring! Yes! Success! He is finally asleep. Thank the Lord.
We're in day two of training Jordan to eat like a normal person, not a parrot that lives on crackers. It's an intense 'eat what's in front of you or go hungry' regimen which is brutal but totally needed. Over the last 18 months or so Jordan has progressively been getting worse with his eating. He used to be the most wonderful eater. But after getting the flu pretty bad when he was about 18 months he just hasn't been the same. He started to refuse pretty much everything except for two minute noodles and toasted sandwiches, which wasn't too bad as I would mix into them everything he should be eating - fruit vegies and meat. But it's gotten progressively worse and his diet had pretty much come down to crackers. Yes, that's it - crackers. It's been driving us crazy for months and months and months. And because his speech has been a little delayed (though it's improved so much since turning 3) we felt we wanted to wait until his 3rd birthday, when we felt that he would DEFINITELY understand what we were telling him. So it was his birthday 2 1/2 months ago, and now that we're in a more stable environment in our own home again after being at mum and dad's for 5 months we felt it was time. We'd had a rotten week where he would throw revolting tantrums at bedtime and bathtime and we just decided enough was enough and worked out an action plan with our doctors at church.
Basically I've got a mini muffin tray full of lots of different fruits nuts vegetables and meats all in their original form all in their own separate little hole. There's a few things that stay there from day to day (sultanas, a nut slice with sesame seeds, nuts, and dried fruit, and some soft pine nuts) and the other things I refresh each day, and change a little to add variety. So far he's eaten cheese, cucumber, ham, and yoghurt. And he still gets his night time milk. Those foods are things that he's eaten quite happily on and off in the past, so nothing terribly new, but at least there's a small amount of diversity, and he will eventually try the other foods. It's so not fun being a mean parent. He started to climb the pantry yesterday trying to get to the crackers, and Jordan is not a climber so I'd say he was pretty desperate for those crackers! (I have since thrown out all the crackers in the pantry :) And he cried the saddest cry begging for them, and I just about cried and gave in! But I bit my lip, opened the fridge and offered him something else - he settled on a huge amount of cucumber! And an hour later when I got home from some grocery shopping, he saw the paper wrapped ham in the fridge and asked for ham!! He had about half of the 300g that I'd purchased. He was soooooooo hungry! And ham is what he settled on tonight after not being asleep for hours as he was so hungry. He probably devoured about 200g. Awesome.
As for bub #2? I'm still getting pregnancy symptoms, and even though I had a negative pregnancy test, I'm still remaining positive, as I'm not due to get my period for another 6 days.
I'm feeling those vague pinching cramps way down low, needed a nap this afternoon which is usually a sure sign I'm knocked up! Full ferns on my maybe baby everyday, even though this is day 22 of my cycle and not likely to be ovulating at this late point in my cycle. Plus what everyone said at church. So I'll probably take another test on thursday morning so that I can tell Celine in person as soon as possible incase I am pregnant. And if that one's negative too then I'll take another one on sunday morning before church. Trying not to get my hopes up, but still hoping and praying like crazy.
This is exhausting.
Well now that my son is definitely well and truly asleep, I will wrap him back up in his blanket, peel my sore butt off the floor outside his bedroom, and go and have a shower and wash this difficult day off my skin.

Sunday, November 1, 2009


Today was interesting. We were at church and I've been having tender boobs for a few days, and some weird feelings in my belly.
I hugged my wonderful friend, and we're both so excited! We're both trying and hoping and praying desperately for a baby, and before I could say to her 'I think I may be pregnant' she said, 'I really feely you're pregnant, I can feel it in my 'waters'' so funny! She's hilarious. I love her to bits! She feels very strongly that this is the month for me, she's thinking she may be as well, but she's certain that I'm pregnant :) so lovely. So there was that, and Belinda asked me if I'm pregnant yet, and I said 'maybe! not sure, hopefully this month was the month!'. And then I passed Robin and Rebecca - beautiful souls - and they asked me how I was, they're finally back from New Zealand after 3 years, I saw Robin a few weeks ago, and he said as I left church that day that God will give me the desire of my heart. And so today, a few weeks later as I passed them in the kitchen, Robin asked me what the desire of my heart is, he felt God say to him to ask me that question - without hesitation I said 'a baby' and straight away they both started praying for me. Of course I cried. It's such a humbling thing to have people pray so fervently over you.

As they laid their hands on me, he prayed for a healthy conception, in God's timing, a blessed prenancy, and a blessed child. Just as it was with Jordan, he prayed for a wonderful succesful pregnancy without miscarriage, a wonderful birth, and a child blessed so much by God. A child with a wonderful future in God's plan. He said so much more but I don't remember, he quoted something in the bible, something about a prophecy parallelling a story in the bible. I wish I could remember more but I was crying and don't remember all of it.

So with all that happened today, and how I've been feeling these last few days, I'm thinking that this may be the month. Trying not to get my hopes up. Which in all honesty is impossible. But we'll see how it goes. My period is due monday next week, in 8 days. I guess I'll take a test during the week if I can't hold out until the weekend! Otherwise I should know in about a weeks time! Ugh. I'm so sick of doing this dance. Please Lord, grant me this.

Friday, October 23, 2009

troughs and plateaus... but no peaks

I'm still so down. And emotional. Mostly a little better, but just really flat. I spent the morning with my gorgeous cousin Kate and her baby Bailey. Bailey is the age of the baby I lost last year, had I not miscarried. We had a really wonderful morning (it was her birthday), but, as always, I was left longing. Desperately longing. And the lovely thing about Kate, which always brings me to the brink of tears, is she knows exactly what I'm enduring. I look into her eyes, and she understands. And she sees me. She really sees me. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. She just knows. I say something, and she really knows.

It's such a shitty feeling, trying so hard, losing, getting my hopes up each month, getting my period, devastation, scared to death, seeing friends with babies, having to say congratulations through tears, seeing crappy mums who don't deserve to be mothers continuously have babies, knowing thousands of women go to abortion clinics every day to get rid of babies that are conceived at the 'wrong' time in their lives. And she looks in my eyes and knows. She knows it all. And it helps, but I'm devastated being so naked, so exposed, having my feelings so obvious. And there is so much love and sorrow in her eyes. She shouldn't have to look at me like that, I feel bad that she hurts for me like this. Us women who really deserve babies should just be able to have them. We shouldn't have to go through all of this pain, we shouldn't have to understand each other's agony like we do. But we do. And I'm so grateful for having her, for her knowing me, what's going on. Knowing that I can tell her anything and she knows.

Thank you Lord for my wonderful beautiful friend.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

silly girl

I've been feeling pretty low today. I'm sitting in a hole that I don't particularly want to dig myself out of. I just would like to wallow here a little while if that's ok. It just feels like I'm never going to get pregnant. We've tried for 3 cycles now. And it's just not like us not to get pregnant right away. Except last time. Last time was 4 cycles for memory. Maybe it will happen this month. If not then we'd be approaching trying for 6 months. That's just such a shitty feeling. Especially while all my friends are all happy with their newborns. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. It doesn't help that I've had not enough sleep these last few nights. Every day I see Jordan playing on his own and I hate that I haven't been able to give him a play mate yet. The baby we conceived in August last year would be almost 6 months old now, and would be a great friend for Jordan, and Jordan a great playmate for her/him. I see my cousin's baby Bailey and know that mine would have been sitting and rolling and giggling and gooing and gaaing. They're so interactive at this stage.

I'm having such difficulty trusting in God's timing right now. My head knows it, but my heart and belly are aching for a baby, bleeding, sobbing, tearing, crying out for a baby. The desire is so strong, I don't know why God would torture me with such natural maternal longings and not grant me a baby. I'm not defeated. I'm never going to blame Him for my losses or my trouble falling pregnant, I'm just baffled. But still so incredibly grateful for my miracle baby. Jordan is such a treasure.

I feel so silly hoping for this month to be the month. I really trusted that I would conceive in time to have my baby around my birthday. It seemed fair that God would grant me that. I truly believed it would happen. And now it feels like I have nothing to aim for. A baby conceived this month would be a July baby, the following month, an August baby - Jordan's 4th birthday, an entire year more than the gap I'd always wanted for my babies. Ugh. I'm so depressed. Better stop writing before I sink further into this hole.

Friday, October 16, 2009

not a fun week

So in the last week my wonderful precious friend lost her baby. I'm just so sad, and she is being so strong.
And I got my period. Ugh. Another month gone. I was really hoping for this month. This month would have ensured a baby around my 26th birthday. I thought it would be the best birthday gift. I thought God would have granted me that. I have to trust in His timing, I just don't understand it.
I do have mixed feelings about it though, I would have felt bad telling my friend of my wonderful news just days after getting her sad news. But I can't help but feeling deflated, and sad. I just want this baby so much. This month we're going to be very 'active' in trying. Every second day after my period finishes we'll have sex (or at least try to) until my next period is due. That's like 3 weeks!! Ha ha. Dean wont know what hit him. I just don't want to waste this month. Last month I just couldn't get into it. And the days I could, weren't the 'right' days. It's really no great surprise that I didn't fall pregnant this month.
Anyway, I'm exhausted. Going to bed.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

angels watching

Yesterday I experienced sheer panic. Sick, unbelievable, confused, terrified PANIC. Jordan had managed to go through the door to the garage, out the open garage door, and out on to the street. We didn't know he was missing for a good 10 minutes. I thought he was in the loungeroom watching tv with my brother.

It wasn't until Dean got up and I asked him to check on Jordan that we realised something was wrong. He wasn't with Ben. And the door from the hallway to the garage was open. And the garage door was open. And Jordan was no where to be seen.

Dean ran straight to one end of the park across the road where the swings are, Ben ran to the other end where the ducks and the water. Mum ran down the street towards the shops. And I just stood in the middle of the road not knowing what to do. It was surreal. I felt like I was just watching it all happen from above and not knowing what to do. Mum just yelled out to run through the park. I started running. I felt like I was flying. Literally I don't even know if my feet touched the ground. After what felt like an eternity of running and thinking of all the possibilities of where he could be and what would happen if we couldn't find him, images of police helicopters circling the area, concerned neighbours watching, judging us bad parents for losing their son, I came across a couple walking their dog. I asked them if they'd seen a little boy, they said that there was a woman telling a man (Dean) that she found him and took him into her home.

That was when I really flew. I knew that my baby was fine. But I needed to see him so desperately. I could see Dean walking with this woman towards her house (just across the park) and just saw my little man running down her driveway yelling "Mamma!!!" That's when I lost it. I just burst into tears as I was running to my baby. Dean was carrying him and Jordan was none the wiser, just thinking he'd been on a fun adventure. I just held him crying and walking, and he had the most puzzled look on his face, he didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Turns out this (angel) woman had seen him walking down the path on his own, looking back now and then, and thankfully thought to take him inside her house and wait to see if the parents came looking for him. She was a few minutes away from calling the police when she saw Dean looking for him. Thank God for that angel woman.

It tortures me to think of all the things that could have happened to him. Cars, water, pedophiles, crazy baby snatching people, or him just simply wandering the streets, no one seeing him, and getting lost in the bush somewhere. I was so insanely mad and full of terror. When we saw Mum in the park and she saw that all was ok, I just started screaming. Dad was the one that left the door and the garage door open. As always. This has happened many times before, not Jordan wandering off, but absent minded Dad leaving all the doors open. We've lost count the amount of times we've talked to him about the door being open. And he's just laughed and said something like 'oh Jordan you could have wandered off' and laughed it off. And it's always made me mad. The laughing it off and not taking it seriously. So I was screaming to Mum, about Dad, using all the cuss words I knew, not caring that she might be offended, knowing that she would understand. And she was just as furious at him. She had called him and told him what happened, that Jordan was missing and it was his fault for leaving the door open.

I was shaking with anger and fear. I didn't know I could be that intense. So when Dad got home from his little outing in his f**king little car which he idolises, I just tore into him. I have always been terrified of Dad. He was such a strict disciplinarian when we were little that I had more fear for him than respect. Before he got home, I prayed that God would give me the strength to tell him all I needed to tell him. And God surely gave me the strength! I didn't think I'd ever be able to scream and swear at him like I did last night. He just kept saying sorry. I didn't care. It was my time to talk and scream and ask him what it would take for him to realise he can't leave doors open with children in the house. I told him all the things that could have happened to Jordan. I asked him what the f**k he was thinking. And I said thank f**k Jordan was ok. I wanted to say 'or God help me I would have killed you' but I didn't. I thought that may have taken it too far. Lucky God let me say what I NEEDED to say but kept a leash on my tongue and stopped me from saying anything more than what was necessary. This all came out of my mouth within a minute and it was over. I said what I had to, and walked back to my son to hold him. He said sorry to Dean and Dean said nothing.

Mum was so supportive. She backed up everything I said, even the swearing, and said that if I need to say it all to him again, that I should do it. Whatever it took to get it through his head. She even expected Dean to hit him as soon as he walked through the door. But Dean was very reserved, and said nothing. Which was far more effective I imagine than him saying something, as Dean always has something to say. Mum fully expected (and actually hoped) Dean to hit Dad. At the park Dean kept saying 'I'll f**king kill him, I'll f**king kill him'.

Mum was so furious. We all were. And Dad hid in his bedroom most of the evening. He didn't come out until I went to bed at 10pm. I guess he was embarrassed. And ashamed. Good. That's part of the punishment, that and the fact that I can't trust him to have Jordan on his own anymore. He's lost all privileges of babysitting, and I don't know when he'll get it back. It will be a long long time. Maybe years. Maybe never. I don't know. And I told him all of that in a note that I left for him that night. I said I forgive him. I know he's sorry. I understand. But the consequence is he has lost my trust. But all is ok, and I love him. I didn't want to leave it too long. We all have to function in this house together and I can't bare awkward deafening silences.

Dean later said to me that I probably shouldn't have sworn at him. I don't regret a thing. Me saying everything nicely wouldn't have gotten through to him. But him seeing his daughter who has always been so scared of him scream and swear at him, well that would have been like hitting a brick wall. I would have been terrified if anyone had spoken to me that way. And I think it had the desired effect. Who knows if it's enough to re-wire his brain into thinking beyond what he is doing, and think about those around him, and do simple things like close a door behind him. Who knows. Maybe while this is still raw he'll be aware, but most likely when the waters have settled a little, he'll just go back to being mindless and thoughtless. But now I know to be so careful. 1000000% careful. Not to trust that he would do the right thing. To always be aware and to have eyes everywhere. Thank God I married a man who is more aware than that. He is so much more aware. Lord knows he's not perfect, neither am I. But as far as safety goes, I think he'll be fine. And if there was any doubt, going through what we went through, would have jolted him back to reality. It's certainly done that for me.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009


I've been having those teeny tiny cramps that you get when you're (early) pregnant. They were going for quite a while this evening. I'm trying not to pin my hopes on a few stupid cramps that could be anything, but just sticking it to my mental notice board. I'm so dreadfully tired. I really haven't been getting enough sleep, so tonight will hopefully be an early night.

I checked out a house nearby to mum and dad's place (where we've been living for about 4 months) and it's just (almost) perfect! There's like 3 things wrong with it - 3 bedrooms instead of 4, no dishwasher recess, and an ugly facade. But other than that (which don't put me off, because they just don't matter), it's just perfect! So here's hoping that we get approved by the landlords!


Sunday, September 27, 2009


Peed on yet another stick today. Negative. Not surprising, as if I am pregnant I'd be too early on to tell and if I'm not, then I'm not!! Saw my lovely friend who is pregnant at church today. She isn't sure how far along she is, either 5 weeks or 9 weeks. But she's got this neat little bump on her!! She's so petite and it's so obvious. When I hugged her before I'd had a good look at her belly, I could feel it pressing up against me, I joked to her saying when you hug everyone today, they're going to feel it! I don't think she'll wait too long to tell everyone, it's going to be too hard to keep it a secret.

Our pastor and I were having a chat today, just a quick catch up as I hadn't seen this particular pastor for about 3 years! And at the end of our conversation, he held his hands together and said 'You will have all the desires of your heart Amy' - whew! That made me well up a little bit! This is a guy who always seems so much closer to God than anyone, and I'm half expecting what he said to be prophetic. Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' :)

Friday, September 25, 2009

birth thoughts...

So it's hit me pretty hard that when I am pregnant again, it will be my 5th pregnancy. I only just turned 25. That's tough. I have one beautiful baby here on earth, and three heavenly babies. And if all goes well, I'll have another in my belly real soon :)

I was just saying tonight to Dean and mum that I can't wait to give birth again. Sounds crazy I know. It took me about 2 1/2 years after Jordan's birth to decide to give it a go again. The thought of another natural birth horrified me. Though Jordan's birth was great, no real complications, and I had no tearing, it was still a traumatic experience and I certainly didn't experience that feeling that everyone told me about. That feeling of everything bad floating away once you had the baby. Nope. I was in so much pain. Obviously when I saw Jordan, it was TOTALLY worth it, but the pain and the trauma didn't fade away. I was convinced I would have an elective caesar for my next babies. And 2 1/2 years after having him, I still felt that way. Until my next miscarriage, which turned everything on it's head, and I didn't know what the hell I wanted. I was terrified of having to birth the baby in any way, shape or form. I just did not want to give birth. No way. No surprises that I lost my baby, and my hormones were really erratic. Chances are I felt so unstable because something was wrong with the pregnancy right from the start and my hormones were sending me a little batty.

But at the end of it, I came out wondering, well, what do I really want? And it came to me clear as day one day. I wanted a more natural birth, (I was natural all the way with Jordan, but went through 2 bottles of gas) without the gas which I believe made me so spaced out and groggy, I felt so distant after the birth. My chest knots up just thinking about it. So yeah, no drugs. But what I do want, because I have a majorly low pain threshold, is accupuncture. I had some treatments when I was overdue with Jordan and it was just wonderful. My naturopath mentioned that it can be used during childbirth; and it wasn't until that moment, years later, that I'd remembered what he had said and knew that that was what I wanted.

So I'm so excited not just about the pregnancy and all the wonderful and uncomfortable things that come with it, and not just about having another baby around, but truly EXCITED about birthing this baby. I can't wait.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

good news

So I went to the doctor's today. She had all of my blood test results, except for the genetic testing, which isn't back just yet. Everything is perfectly normal, better than normal, I'm in the healthy range for everything. Which is great, and sad at the same time. It means that there's nothing wrong with me reproductively, which is great, and means I shouldn't have any issues doing this all again, but sad because the last one I lost, in particular, would most likely have been because of the flu I had for 4 weeks straight, followed by a bout of gastro. It means that if I hadn't been so sick, I would have had a successful pregnancy. And that makes me sad. But mostly I'm really happy! I don't have to have any invasive tests, lengthy waits to see specialists, in and out of waiting rooms, never being sure if everything we're doing is going to make any difference.

So today I am feeling blessed, and positive. And my doc is positive for this month to get pregnant. Maybe I already am!! These next couple of weeks are going to be long waiting to see if we were successful. But I'm concentrating on my health, and trying hard to enjoy this diet - it really is quite yummy, and I have no complaints, I'm just going through some withdrawls with chocolate, connoisseur icecream, pastries, creamy pastas.... oh man, I'm starting to drool. I'm sure once I start to see the numbers go down on the scales that I'll be feeling better about it. I'm feeling less bloated, less bulky around my mid section, which is because of the dramatic decrease in carbs I'm sure.

Anyways, that's it for today...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

" wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' "

At mum's group this morning I went to the loo and had some 'discolouration'. My period isn't due for 2 1/2 weeks... I'm thinking maybe it's an implantation bleed? I can only hope. It would make sense, I was apparently ovulating as my period was ending, which was only 7 days ago, maybe I ovulated early this month, got pregnant straight away, and this is the implant bleed... who knows?!? I'm seeing doc tomorrow to get the results of my blood tests, and will mention all of this to her, maybe she'll want to take some blood and do a preg test - hopefully! She sees the friend of mine who is only just pregnant, and because her hormones had been all over the place because of breast feeding, she'd had her hormones monitored for months, and this month the doc said 'you're either very early into a pregnancy or there's something odd going on with your hormones'... so she took more blood for a preg test and got a call shortly after saying 'you're pregnant!!' she was over the moon. On the same day, in the morning, she'd taken a home preg test, and it was negative, as it had been the week before, but when she went to throw the test in the bin later on, it had changed to positive!! She took another test, which was positive again, and then got the phone call from our doc with the good news. What an awesome way to find out!! Especially as this is likely to be her last baby. She already has four, and this will most likely be her last one. I'm so thrilled for her :)

I found it interesting that in my journal, the scripture that is written at the bottom of the page is this.........

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart" - Jeremiah Chapter 1 Verse 5

Maybe it's a sign :)

If and when it happens, I'm going to try my hardest not to tell anyone except for my absolute closest friends, and of course Dean and mum. And especially not my in-laws. I couldn't believe it when Dean told his mum last time. I was only 5 weeks, and I said to him if I lost this baby he's going to have to tell his family, I'm not going through that again. They're so insensitive. They either say nothing, no 'Oh I'm so sorry to hear that' or 'Are you feeling ok? Is there anything we can do to help?'. Or they're just so awful and ask accusatory questions like 'What did you do to make that happen?!' What the hell?!?! Who says that?!!? Honestly, sometimes I think they are pure evil. But at times, they can be nice. But even the devil can be nice when it means he'll get something to go his way.

Anyway, that's my venting for the day. I'm not going to let that happen again. When we get to 14 weeks, Dean can tell them. No earlier.

So I'm going to go and have my last cup of coffee for the month (if I get my period, I'll have some more, but just in case this is it - I want to do things right) throw away the 1/2 pack of cigarrettes that I bought to drown my sorrows in, and remember the awesome champagne we had a couple of nights ago, think of it's sweet fruity-ness, and be thankful that this could be the month.


Monday, September 21, 2009


Caught up with my nana, cousin and her 4 month old baby boy today. Had a really nice time. I can't help but think of my little bub every time I see them. You see, the miscarriage I had last year, in October, well that baby was due a week after my cousin's baby. So that lost baby would be roughly the same age as hers. It doesn't hurt to see her, or the baby. But it does leave me with an intense longing. When will I ever be able to have my next one? I really am truly grateful for my wonderful son. He is truly amazing. And I'm not letting my desire for another one get in the way of enjoying Jordan. Otherwise (if, God forbid, I never get to have another one) I could miss all these wonderful years with Jordan while constantly dreaming about the next one - which isn't fair to him.

Hoping, praying, that this is the month.

PS. My sister in law is pregnant (she is due a week after I was due with the one I lost a couple of months ago) and just had her 20 week scan. That was a hard one to swallow :-/

Sunday, September 20, 2009

disturbing dreams...

I had the most awful disturbing dream last night. It really left me quite unsettled and I think I should be telling a trusted friend about it. I know it doesn't mean what it felt like in the dream, and I know it will NEVER happen... I just feel I need to unload it and have someone who loves me reassure me that it doesn't mean I'm a bad person.

It's the sort of thing (the weirdness of the dream, not the awfulness) that I would experience while I was pregnant. Honestly, I have so many symptoms - tiredness, forgetfulness, dreams, irritability, cravings - if it weren't for the two negative tests and the period, I'd be certain something's going on.

So anyway, I'm getting restless and irritable and will sign off for a hot shower.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

random thoughts

I'm having so much fun planning this (much needed) weekend away with Dean. It's going to be mostly sleeping and eating with a round of golf and a movie thrown in, but it's just so great because we haven't spent that much time together alone since we had Jordan.

So it appears I've had a normal period. Thank goodness. I was worried it was going to be heavy and long. But it was a standard 3 day period with one heavy day (though it was a little heavier than normal). So praying that this is the month.

I'm starting 'Lite'n'Easy' tomorrow. Well, Dean and I are doing it. We both need to drop a few kgs (just a few) and my doc recommended that I lose a couple as I'm at the higher end of the healthy weight range for my hieght. Aside from that, I just haven't been comfortable in my skin since having Jordan. I'm still 7kgs heavier than my pre-baby weight, and I figure losing it before the next pregnancy starts (or as it progresses) would probably help in retaining the pregnancy. I just want my body to be healthy. I really want this baby.

As for where I'm at in my cycle... who knows? I'm at the end of my period so I should be ovulating in about a week and a half, but Maybe Baby says I'm just about ovulating (as in a few days away) and as for the billings method (discharge) I'm no where near ovulating!! Argh!!! How about I just have as much sex as I can get from Dean and hope for the best?! How does that sound? Good? Good!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

a little sad

Got my period 4 days late. Feeling a little sad. I know my body needs a chance to right itself, my head knows that, but my heart and my belly both crave a baby.

All in God's timing though. If I fall this month (God willing) my due date will most likely be 21st of June 2010 just days before my 26th birthday. What a wonderful birthday present that would be!! We're going away for a much needed weekend to ourselves in a couple of weeks. Some time away full of sleep and lovemaking should be just what I need to relax and get knocked up!! haha.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

two negatives and a positive

My period was late. Only just. Was due on thursday just gone, and that afternoon I took a test. Negative. Very very negative. Not even a shadow of a line. Thought first thing the next morning would be a good time to do another one, as HCG levels are highest in the morning. Again, negative. Very negative. Good feelings and bad feelings. Good feelings because my body really should get back to a normal cycle before conceiving as my doctor suggested. And bad because in spite of my brain and my logic, my heart and my belly can't wait for another baby.

So I'm stuck on the fence. Which is where I usually sit. I sit there so often my butt hurts. I'm a fence sitter regarding most topics people have a strong opinion on - a whole range of topics - religion, politics, preferences. Anyway, so that's where I am. On the fence. Not knowing exactly how I feel about not being pregnant this month. Of course how I feel about it has zero impact on the situation and outcome!!

So that's the two negatives. And the positive??? My wonderful friend, who has been trying to get pregnant for a while as have we, is PREGNANT!! I really am truly happy for her. She's the most beautiful person. I love her dearly. And I believe we'll be pregnant together, I'll just be a little behind her, which is fine :)

In the past I have found it difficult (sometimes incredibly painful, agonising) to be around friends who're pregnant or have just had a baby. Especially ones who have had theirs in the time that I should have had mine. But something is so special about this friend that I can't help but be thrilled for her. We'd both been trying when I fell pregnant with my last bubba - she was so thrilled for me! And she'd found out that she wouldn't be able to conceive for a while as she was breast feeding her little one. So I can't help but be happy for this wonderful lady.

Sunday, September 6, 2009


I often wonder how exactly I'd cope with more children. Twins are always on my mind as my dad is a twin. How would I cope with twins? I'd cope of course. But there'd be some serious sacrifice of my 'down-time' which I cherish. I love having hours to myself at night time once Dean (hubby) and Jordan (son) are in bed. I love long showers (I am very 'green' in many other ways but a long hot shower is something I love too much to give up). I love my time to spend reading, watching tv, chatting with friends, flicking through home magazines dreaming of how I'm to decorate our next home. And the thought of that part of my life changing is a little disconcerting!

But these babies I want so dearly are worth any sacrifice of personal time. Plus I'm not against hiring a cleaner for a while if I need to! As far as I'm concerned, that's a good way to spend our baby bonus!

But at this point, this is all just wondering and pondering, my period is due on thursday and I'll know soon whether we were 'successful' this month or not.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Ravioli at 11pm

I was craving ravioli with lots of parmesan cheese. I ignored my craving for a while but just couldn't ignore it any longer. So now I'm browsing peoples blogs and eating my pasta. I'm loving it but resenting it at the same time.

Today was less frustrating. I had a (mostly) good day, and am feeling positive about everything. Less dark. Less in a hole. I didn't obsess about the next baby today, as my current baby (a tantrum throwing 3 year old) kept my mind and my body busy, and there was no head space to think about getting pregnant.

One thing that threw me today is apparently I'm ovulating AGAIN! I must have the strangest hormones. I was 'ferning' (I use 'Maybe Baby' to track my cycle) today after 'ferning' earlier in the week, and apparently not being fertile all week, only to find I'm ripe for the picking again!! So strange.

But I don't want this space, my journal - whether others view it or not - to be just about getting pregnant. I want to pour myself into this. This can be my outlet.

Tomorrow I'm having a facial. And getting my toenails painted. I feel good with them looking all pretty and pink, or red. I've never really been fussed about it, but after getting a pedicure last year, I felt so good - any time I looked down at my feet, they were pretty. It was nice. So I'm getting them done again. And a facial. With my hormones being crazy for so long, my skin seems to be constantly breaking out. So when there's enough money, I'm going to treat myself to these little things that mums often deny themselves. Little luxuries that we deserve. Little luxuries that we earn. Little luxuries that we rarely allow ourselves to enjoy.

Yuck. Pasta is finished, and I feel a little sick. Time to go to bed now I think.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Another chance lost...

We were trying this month for a baby. It's been about 7 weeks since my miscarriage. After trying about 10 days after losing the last bub, I thought that I would probably be pregnant. But not so. I got my first period exactly 4 weeks after losing bub. So I figured we can try this month. The window for getting pregnant is so small, and with how my hormones have been, I'd be very surprised if I fell this month. Which is probably for the best, as my doc recommended waiting until I'd had a 'normal' period - a 16 day period is NOT normal for me. So (can't believe I'm saying this) fingers crossed I'm not pregnant just yet, and I get a 'normal' period in a couple of weeks. Which would mean if I fell this next cycle I would probably be due arond my birthday (June) and there would be approx 3 3/4 years difference between my son and his sibling. A gap slightly larger than we'd hoped for, but at least I've been able to devote myself to my son for so long.

I hate the fact that my life revolves around the next baby. It really shouldn't but I'm so desperate for number two that I can't help but not think about it. Every morning, I test for ovulation, if I'm getting close to ovulating, I'm constantly thinking about seducing Dean to make it a 'sure thing'! If I'm not ovulating, I barely think about sex and continually think about when I'll be most likely to conceive again - wishing the weeks away. Any time I look at buying some clothes I think 'will this allow for growth in my belly?' if the answer is no, then I don't buy it. I'm consumed with looking at maternity fashions, nursery items I'd love to buy for the next baby. Themes and colours based on whether it's a boy or a girl. Names, middle names. Telling people about the baby. Being terrified about telling people about the baby. Wondering how I'd cope if (God forbid) I have another miscarriage. Thanking God so much for sparing me the devastation of a stillborn (though miscarriage is the most heart breaking thing I've ever encountered). Being obsessed with pregnant women I see down the street. Fighting the feelings of jealousy when I see newborns. Ugh. These thoughts consume me and keep me awake when I should be sleeping. I'm exhausted.