I was craving ravioli with lots of parmesan cheese. I ignored my craving for a while but just couldn't ignore it any longer. So now I'm browsing peoples blogs and eating my pasta. I'm loving it but resenting it at the same time.
Today was less frustrating. I had a (mostly) good day, and am feeling positive about everything. Less dark. Less in a hole. I didn't obsess about the next baby today, as my current baby (a tantrum throwing 3 year old) kept my mind and my body busy, and there was no head space to think about getting pregnant.
One thing that threw me today is apparently I'm ovulating AGAIN! I must have the strangest hormones. I was 'ferning' (I use 'Maybe Baby' to track my cycle) today after 'ferning' earlier in the week, and apparently not being fertile all week, only to find I'm ripe for the picking again!! So strange.
But I don't want this space, my journal - whether others view it or not - to be just about getting pregnant. I want to pour myself into this. This can be my outlet.
Tomorrow I'm having a facial. And getting my toenails painted. I feel good with them looking all pretty and pink, or red. I've never really been fussed about it, but after getting a pedicure last year, I felt so good - any time I looked down at my feet, they were pretty. It was nice. So I'm getting them done again. And a facial. With my hormones being crazy for so long, my skin seems to be constantly breaking out. So when there's enough money, I'm going to treat myself to these little things that mums often deny themselves. Little luxuries that we deserve. Little luxuries that we earn. Little luxuries that we rarely allow ourselves to enjoy.
Yuck. Pasta is finished, and I feel a little sick. Time to go to bed now I think.