birth thoughts...

So it's hit me pretty hard that when I am pregnant again, it will be my 5th pregnancy. I only just turned 25. That's tough. I have one beautiful baby here on earth, and three heavenly babies. And if all goes well, I'll have another in my belly real soon :)

I was just saying tonight to Dean and mum that I can't wait to give birth again. Sounds crazy I know. It took me about 2 1/2 years after Jordan's birth to decide to give it a go again. The thought of another natural birth horrified me. Though Jordan's birth was great, no real complications, and I had no tearing, it was still a traumatic experience and I certainly didn't experience that feeling that everyone told me about. That feeling of everything bad floating away once you had the baby. Nope. I was in so much pain. Obviously when I saw Jordan, it was TOTALLY worth it, but the pain and the trauma didn't fade away. I was convinced I would have an elective caesar for my next babies. And 2 1/2 years after having him, I still felt that way. Until my next miscarriage, which turned everything on it's head, and I didn't know what the hell I wanted. I was terrified of having to birth the baby in any way, shape or form. I just did not want to give birth. No way. No surprises that I lost my baby, and my hormones were really erratic. Chances are I felt so unstable because something was wrong with the pregnancy right from the start and my hormones were sending me a little batty.

But at the end of it, I came out wondering, well, what do I really want? And it came to me clear as day one day. I wanted a more natural birth, (I was natural all the way with Jordan, but went through 2 bottles of gas) without the gas which I believe made me so spaced out and groggy, I felt so distant after the birth. My chest knots up just thinking about it. So yeah, no drugs. But what I do want, because I have a majorly low pain threshold, is accupuncture. I had some treatments when I was overdue with Jordan and it was just wonderful. My naturopath mentioned that it can be used during childbirth; and it wasn't until that moment, years later, that I'd remembered what he had said and knew that that was what I wanted.

So I'm so excited not just about the pregnancy and all the wonderful and uncomfortable things that come with it, and not just about having another baby around, but truly EXCITED about birthing this baby. I can't wait.