anticipation

I've been having those teeny tiny cramps that you get when you're (early) pregnant. They were going for quite a while this evening. I'm trying not to pin my hopes on a few stupid cramps that could be anything, but just sticking it to my mental notice board. I'm so dreadfully tired. I really haven't been getting enough sleep, so tonight will hopefully be an early night.

I checked out a house nearby to mum and dad's place (where we've been living for about 4 months) and it's just (almost) perfect! There's like 3 things wrong with it - 3 bedrooms instead of 4, no dishwasher recess, and an ugly facade. But other than that (which don't put me off, because they just don't matter), it's just perfect! So here's hoping that we get approved by the landlords!

:)

negative

Peed on yet another stick today. Negative. Not surprising, as if I am pregnant I'd be too early on to tell and if I'm not, then I'm not!! Saw my lovely friend who is pregnant at church today. She isn't sure how far along she is, either 5 weeks or 9 weeks. But she's got this neat little bump on her!! She's so petite and it's so obvious. When I hugged her before I'd had a good look at her belly, I could feel it pressing up against me, I joked to her saying when you hug everyone today, they're going to feel it! I don't think she'll wait too long to tell everyone, it's going to be too hard to keep it a secret.

Our pastor and I were having a chat today, just a quick catch up as I hadn't seen this particular pastor for about 3 years! And at the end of our conversation, he held his hands together and said 'You will have all the desires of your heart Amy' - whew! That made me well up a little bit! This is a guy who always seems so much closer to God than anyone, and I'm half expecting what he said to be prophetic. Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' :)

birth thoughts...

So it's hit me pretty hard that when I am pregnant again, it will be my 5th pregnancy. I only just turned 25. That's tough. I have one beautiful baby here on earth, and three heavenly babies. And if all goes well, I'll have another in my belly real soon :)

I was just saying tonight to Dean and mum that I can't wait to give birth again. Sounds crazy I know. It took me about 2 1/2 years after Jordan's birth to decide to give it a go again. The thought of another natural birth horrified me. Though Jordan's birth was great, no real complications, and I had no tearing, it was still a traumatic experience and I certainly didn't experience that feeling that everyone told me about. That feeling of everything bad floating away once you had the baby. Nope. I was in so much pain. Obviously when I saw Jordan, it was TOTALLY worth it, but the pain and the trauma didn't fade away. I was convinced I would have an elective caesar for my next babies. And 2 1/2 years after having him, I still felt that way. Until my next miscarriage, which turned everything on it's head, and I didn't know what the hell I wanted. I was terrified of having to birth the baby in any way, shape or form. I just did not want to give birth. No way. No surprises that I lost my baby, and my hormones were really erratic. Chances are I felt so unstable because something was wrong with the pregnancy right from the start and my hormones were sending me a little batty.

But at the end of it, I came out wondering, well, what do I really want? And it came to me clear as day one day. I wanted a more natural birth, (I was natural all the way with Jordan, but went through 2 bottles of gas) without the gas which I believe made me so spaced out and groggy, I felt so distant after the birth. My chest knots up just thinking about it. So yeah, no drugs. But what I do want, because I have a majorly low pain threshold, is accupuncture. I had some treatments when I was overdue with Jordan and it was just wonderful. My naturopath mentioned that it can be used during childbirth; and it wasn't until that moment, years later, that I'd remembered what he had said and knew that that was what I wanted.

So I'm so excited not just about the pregnancy and all the wonderful and uncomfortable things that come with it, and not just about having another baby around, but truly EXCITED about birthing this baby. I can't wait.

good news

So I went to the doctor's today. She had all of my blood test results, except for the genetic testing, which isn't back just yet. Everything is perfectly normal, better than normal, I'm in the healthy range for everything. Which is great, and sad at the same time. It means that there's nothing wrong with me reproductively, which is great, and means I shouldn't have any issues doing this all again, but sad because the last one I lost, in particular, would most likely have been because of the flu I had for 4 weeks straight, followed by a bout of gastro. It means that if I hadn't been so sick, I would have had a successful pregnancy. And that makes me sad. But mostly I'm really happy! I don't have to have any invasive tests, lengthy waits to see specialists, in and out of waiting rooms, never being sure if everything we're doing is going to make any difference.

So today I am feeling blessed, and positive. And my doc is positive for this month to get pregnant. Maybe I already am!! These next couple of weeks are going to be long waiting to see if we were successful. But I'm concentrating on my health, and trying hard to enjoy this diet - it really is quite yummy, and I have no complaints, I'm just going through some withdrawls with chocolate, connoisseur icecream, pastries, creamy pastas.... oh man, I'm starting to drool. I'm sure once I start to see the numbers go down on the scales that I'll be feeling better about it. I'm feeling less bloated, less bulky around my mid section, which is because of the dramatic decrease in carbs I'm sure.

Anyways, that's it for today...

" wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin' "

At mum's group this morning I went to the loo and had some 'discolouration'. My period isn't due for 2 1/2 weeks... I'm thinking maybe it's an implantation bleed? I can only hope. It would make sense, I was apparently ovulating as my period was ending, which was only 7 days ago, maybe I ovulated early this month, got pregnant straight away, and this is the implant bleed... who knows?!? I'm seeing doc tomorrow to get the results of my blood tests, and will mention all of this to her, maybe she'll want to take some blood and do a preg test - hopefully! She sees the friend of mine who is only just pregnant, and because her hormones had been all over the place because of breast feeding, she'd had her hormones monitored for months, and this month the doc said 'you're either very early into a pregnancy or there's something odd going on with your hormones'... so she took more blood for a preg test and got a call shortly after saying 'you're pregnant!!' she was over the moon. On the same day, in the morning, she'd taken a home preg test, and it was negative, as it had been the week before, but when she went to throw the test in the bin later on, it had changed to positive!! She took another test, which was positive again, and then got the phone call from our doc with the good news. What an awesome way to find out!! Especially as this is likely to be her last baby. She already has four, and this will most likely be her last one. I'm so thrilled for her :)

I found it interesting that in my journal, the scripture that is written at the bottom of the page is this.........

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart" - Jeremiah Chapter 1 Verse 5

Maybe it's a sign :)

If and when it happens, I'm going to try my hardest not to tell anyone except for my absolute closest friends, and of course Dean and mum. And especially not my in-laws. I couldn't believe it when Dean told his mum last time. I was only 5 weeks, and I said to him if I lost this baby he's going to have to tell his family, I'm not going through that again. They're so insensitive. They either say nothing, no 'Oh I'm so sorry to hear that' or 'Are you feeling ok? Is there anything we can do to help?'. Or they're just so awful and ask accusatory questions like 'What did you do to make that happen?!' What the hell?!?! Who says that?!!? Honestly, sometimes I think they are pure evil. But at times, they can be nice. But even the devil can be nice when it means he'll get something to go his way.

Anyway, that's my venting for the day. I'm not going to let that happen again. When we get to 14 weeks, Dean can tell them. No earlier.

So I'm going to go and have my last cup of coffee for the month (if I get my period, I'll have some more, but just in case this is it - I want to do things right) throw away the 1/2 pack of cigarrettes that I bought to drown my sorrows in, and remember the awesome champagne we had a couple of nights ago, think of it's sweet fruity-ness, and be thankful that this could be the month.

xx

longings...

Caught up with my nana, cousin and her 4 month old baby boy today. Had a really nice time. I can't help but think of my little bub every time I see them. You see, the miscarriage I had last year, in October, well that baby was due a week after my cousin's baby. So that lost baby would be roughly the same age as hers. It doesn't hurt to see her, or the baby. But it does leave me with an intense longing. When will I ever be able to have my next one? I really am truly grateful for my wonderful son. He is truly amazing. And I'm not letting my desire for another one get in the way of enjoying Jordan. Otherwise (if, God forbid, I never get to have another one) I could miss all these wonderful years with Jordan while constantly dreaming about the next one - which isn't fair to him.

Hoping, praying, that this is the month.

PS. My sister in law is pregnant (she is due a week after I was due with the one I lost a couple of months ago) and just had her 20 week scan. That was a hard one to swallow :-/

disturbing dreams...

I had the most awful disturbing dream last night. It really left me quite unsettled and I think I should be telling a trusted friend about it. I know it doesn't mean what it felt like in the dream, and I know it will NEVER happen... I just feel I need to unload it and have someone who loves me reassure me that it doesn't mean I'm a bad person.

It's the sort of thing (the weirdness of the dream, not the awfulness) that I would experience while I was pregnant. Honestly, I have so many symptoms - tiredness, forgetfulness, dreams, irritability, cravings - if it weren't for the two negative tests and the period, I'd be certain something's going on.

So anyway, I'm getting restless and irritable and will sign off for a hot shower.

random thoughts

I'm having so much fun planning this (much needed) weekend away with Dean. It's going to be mostly sleeping and eating with a round of golf and a movie thrown in, but it's just so great because we haven't spent that much time together alone since we had Jordan.

So it appears I've had a normal period. Thank goodness. I was worried it was going to be heavy and long. But it was a standard 3 day period with one heavy day (though it was a little heavier than normal). So praying that this is the month.

I'm starting 'Lite'n'Easy' tomorrow. Well, Dean and I are doing it. We both need to drop a few kgs (just a few) and my doc recommended that I lose a couple as I'm at the higher end of the healthy weight range for my hieght. Aside from that, I just haven't been comfortable in my skin since having Jordan. I'm still 7kgs heavier than my pre-baby weight, and I figure losing it before the next pregnancy starts (or as it progresses) would probably help in retaining the pregnancy. I just want my body to be healthy. I really want this baby.

As for where I'm at in my cycle... who knows? I'm at the end of my period so I should be ovulating in about a week and a half, but Maybe Baby says I'm just about ovulating (as in a few days away) and as for the billings method (discharge) I'm no where near ovulating!! Argh!!! How about I just have as much sex as I can get from Dean and hope for the best?! How does that sound? Good? Good!

a little sad

Got my period 4 days late. Feeling a little sad. I know my body needs a chance to right itself, my head knows that, but my heart and my belly both crave a baby.

All in God's timing though. If I fall this month (God willing) my due date will most likely be 21st of June 2010 just days before my 26th birthday. What a wonderful birthday present that would be!! We're going away for a much needed weekend to ourselves in a couple of weeks. Some time away full of sleep and lovemaking should be just what I need to relax and get knocked up!! haha.

two negatives and a positive

My period was late. Only just. Was due on thursday just gone, and that afternoon I took a test. Negative. Very very negative. Not even a shadow of a line. Thought first thing the next morning would be a good time to do another one, as HCG levels are highest in the morning. Again, negative. Very negative. Good feelings and bad feelings. Good feelings because my body really should get back to a normal cycle before conceiving as my doctor suggested. And bad because in spite of my brain and my logic, my heart and my belly can't wait for another baby.

So I'm stuck on the fence. Which is where I usually sit. I sit there so often my butt hurts. I'm a fence sitter regarding most topics people have a strong opinion on - a whole range of topics - religion, politics, preferences. Anyway, so that's where I am. On the fence. Not knowing exactly how I feel about not being pregnant this month. Of course how I feel about it has zero impact on the situation and outcome!!

So that's the two negatives. And the positive??? My wonderful friend, who has been trying to get pregnant for a while as have we, is PREGNANT!! I really am truly happy for her. She's the most beautiful person. I love her dearly. And I believe we'll be pregnant together, I'll just be a little behind her, which is fine :)

In the past I have found it difficult (sometimes incredibly painful, agonising) to be around friends who're pregnant or have just had a baby. Especially ones who have had theirs in the time that I should have had mine. But something is so special about this friend that I can't help but be thrilled for her. We'd both been trying when I fell pregnant with my last bubba - she was so thrilled for me! And she'd found out that she wouldn't be able to conceive for a while as she was breast feeding her little one. So I can't help but be happy for this wonderful lady.

ponderings...

I often wonder how exactly I'd cope with more children. Twins are always on my mind as my dad is a twin. How would I cope with twins? I'd cope of course. But there'd be some serious sacrifice of my 'down-time' which I cherish. I love having hours to myself at night time once Dean (hubby) and Jordan (son) are in bed. I love long showers (I am very 'green' in many other ways but a long hot shower is something I love too much to give up). I love my time to spend reading, watching tv, chatting with friends, flicking through home magazines dreaming of how I'm to decorate our next home. And the thought of that part of my life changing is a little disconcerting!

But these babies I want so dearly are worth any sacrifice of personal time. Plus I'm not against hiring a cleaner for a while if I need to! As far as I'm concerned, that's a good way to spend our baby bonus!

But at this point, this is all just wondering and pondering, my period is due on thursday and I'll know soon whether we were 'successful' this month or not.

Ravioli at 11pm

I was craving ravioli with lots of parmesan cheese. I ignored my craving for a while but just couldn't ignore it any longer. So now I'm browsing peoples blogs and eating my pasta. I'm loving it but resenting it at the same time.

Today was less frustrating. I had a (mostly) good day, and am feeling positive about everything. Less dark. Less in a hole. I didn't obsess about the next baby today, as my current baby (a tantrum throwing 3 year old) kept my mind and my body busy, and there was no head space to think about getting pregnant.

One thing that threw me today is apparently I'm ovulating AGAIN! I must have the strangest hormones. I was 'ferning' (I use 'Maybe Baby' to track my cycle) today after 'ferning' earlier in the week, and apparently not being fertile all week, only to find I'm ripe for the picking again!! So strange.

But I don't want this space, my journal - whether others view it or not - to be just about getting pregnant. I want to pour myself into this. This can be my outlet.

Tomorrow I'm having a facial. And getting my toenails painted. I feel good with them looking all pretty and pink, or red. I've never really been fussed about it, but after getting a pedicure last year, I felt so good - any time I looked down at my feet, they were pretty. It was nice. So I'm getting them done again. And a facial. With my hormones being crazy for so long, my skin seems to be constantly breaking out. So when there's enough money, I'm going to treat myself to these little things that mums often deny themselves. Little luxuries that we deserve. Little luxuries that we earn. Little luxuries that we rarely allow ourselves to enjoy.

Yuck. Pasta is finished, and I feel a little sick. Time to go to bed now I think.

Another chance lost...

We were trying this month for a baby. It's been about 7 weeks since my miscarriage. After trying about 10 days after losing the last bub, I thought that I would probably be pregnant. But not so. I got my first period exactly 4 weeks after losing bub. So I figured we can try this month. The window for getting pregnant is so small, and with how my hormones have been, I'd be very surprised if I fell this month. Which is probably for the best, as my doc recommended waiting until I'd had a 'normal' period - a 16 day period is NOT normal for me. So (can't believe I'm saying this) fingers crossed I'm not pregnant just yet, and I get a 'normal' period in a couple of weeks. Which would mean if I fell this next cycle I would probably be due arond my birthday (June) and there would be approx 3 3/4 years difference between my son and his sibling. A gap slightly larger than we'd hoped for, but at least I've been able to devote myself to my son for so long.

I hate the fact that my life revolves around the next baby. It really shouldn't but I'm so desperate for number two that I can't help but not think about it. Every morning, I test for ovulation, if I'm getting close to ovulating, I'm constantly thinking about seducing Dean to make it a 'sure thing'! If I'm not ovulating, I barely think about sex and continually think about when I'll be most likely to conceive again - wishing the weeks away. Any time I look at buying some clothes I think 'will this allow for growth in my belly?' if the answer is no, then I don't buy it. I'm consumed with looking at maternity fashions, nursery items I'd love to buy for the next baby. Themes and colours based on whether it's a boy or a girl. Names, middle names. Telling people about the baby. Being terrified about telling people about the baby. Wondering how I'd cope if (God forbid) I have another miscarriage. Thanking God so much for sparing me the devastation of a stillborn (though miscarriage is the most heart breaking thing I've ever encountered). Being obsessed with pregnant women I see down the street. Fighting the feelings of jealousy when I see newborns. Ugh. These thoughts consume me and keep me awake when I should be sleeping. I'm exhausted.