Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Another chance lost...

We were trying this month for a baby. It's been about 7 weeks since my miscarriage. After trying about 10 days after losing the last bub, I thought that I would probably be pregnant. But not so. I got my first period exactly 4 weeks after losing bub. So I figured we can try this month. The window for getting pregnant is so small, and with how my hormones have been, I'd be very surprised if I fell this month. Which is probably for the best, as my doc recommended waiting until I'd had a 'normal' period - a 16 day period is NOT normal for me. So (can't believe I'm saying this) fingers crossed I'm not pregnant just yet, and I get a 'normal' period in a couple of weeks. Which would mean if I fell this next cycle I would probably be due arond my birthday (June) and there would be approx 3 3/4 years difference between my son and his sibling. A gap slightly larger than we'd hoped for, but at least I've been able to devote myself to my son for so long.

I hate the fact that my life revolves around the next baby. It really shouldn't but I'm so desperate for number two that I can't help but not think about it. Every morning, I test for ovulation, if I'm getting close to ovulating, I'm constantly thinking about seducing Dean to make it a 'sure thing'! If I'm not ovulating, I barely think about sex and continually think about when I'll be most likely to conceive again - wishing the weeks away. Any time I look at buying some clothes I think 'will this allow for growth in my belly?' if the answer is no, then I don't buy it. I'm consumed with looking at maternity fashions, nursery items I'd love to buy for the next baby. Themes and colours based on whether it's a boy or a girl. Names, middle names. Telling people about the baby. Being terrified about telling people about the baby. Wondering how I'd cope if (God forbid) I have another miscarriage. Thanking God so much for sparing me the devastation of a stillborn (though miscarriage is the most heart breaking thing I've ever encountered). Being obsessed with pregnant women I see down the street. Fighting the feelings of jealousy when I see newborns. Ugh. These thoughts consume me and keep me awake when I should be sleeping. I'm exhausted.


  1. Thanks Carly, so strange for me to see a comment on my blog! I've only just started this, and it didn't occur to me that others might view it yet, it was nice to feel a 'connect' when I saw your comment. Thank you.
    I've been following your posts for about 6 weeks now, and it's been very healing for me to read the stories of other women (and men) who suffer the loss of a child in so many heartbreaking forms. Thank you for all you do :)