flying...

Already two weeks since my scan. 14 weeks today. It's just flying by so fast. More and more people have claimed my belly babe to be a girl! 4 weeks til my scan... we'll see :)

My little butterfly is fluttering away nicely now and then. Right now actually. It's such a sweet gentle reminder that everything's ok. Looking forward to the definite kicks though. Not much is going on. Went and bought a bunch of baby clothes and a couple of rugs the other day. Felt really good. Really good. Even bought a couple of pink things. Kept the receipt though... just in case!

My belly is so big! It's getting bigger by the day which is nice. But I'm having to adjust to dressing it again. It feels kind of weird embracing something that you would normally try to disguise when not pregnant - the belly's going to take a bit of getting used to. It's been 4 years since I've done this, so I feel like I'm starting from scratch again! How bizarre.

and... exhale

God is faithful. And I am grateful. My baby is perfect. Absolutely perfect. We couldn't have had a better scan. I keep wanting to say 'she'. I'm almost drawn to it. Everyone seems to be betting on a girl. And it's starting to rub off on me. Since having Jordan, I'd hoped the next one would be a boy followed by a girl a number of years later (though we certainly don't get to choose!!). But with the problems I've had these last couple of years trying to get pregnant and then staying pregnant, I figure if this one is a girl, then having one of each, I might be content with just the two of them. One of each. If it's just too hard and too painful getting pregnant again or if Dean puts the brakes on and insists on only two (though I'd love more) then at least I have my boy and I have my girl. And our little family would be complete. But since we have no control over these things, I must simply sit back and wait for my 18-22week scan to find out!

Back to the scan. So we got there and instantly, s/he appeared on the screen (my heart melted) with her/his little heart flashing away. It took my breath away. My little one, laying back, perfectly still, except for moving her/his little hand from her/his belly to her/his head now and then. Little thing just wanted to sleep. Which was perfect for all the measuring and checking out that the technician needed to do. Half way through though, we needed Bean to move so she moved the wand over my belly a little harder and Bean rolled over with her/his back to us as if to go back to sleep. Too precious. In the end, the technician had to jiggle the wand to wake up my little belly babe. It was so funny, Bean jumped to life waving her/his limbs about as though startled and wondering what on earth was going on!! Though the image of Bean sleeping peacefully was wonderful, it was good to see her/him moving around like that.

So I am allowing myself to completely exhale now and finally take another breath. I can breathe freely. For the first time in 8 weeks since I saw those two precious pink lines, I am breathing. Praise God. I've also been feeling a bit of movement. Just very small, so small I've been questioning if it's actually movement or just gurgling. But it still feels good. Now I'm going to go and shop up a storm, a storm of yellow and beige and green and grey for the next six weeks until I find out what we're having!

still calm...

I had some bleeding last night. I so didn't need this. It hasn't broken my resolve, and while it unsettled me, I didn't lose sleep over it. We'd just had sex when I noticed the all-too-familiar pink staining when I went to the toilet. I'd had some feelings of 'tightness' not quite cramping, but not exactly comfortable either, for the better part of the last week, as well as some lower back pain. I told my doctors at church today and they don't feel too concerned. They thought there was no point in me rushing out to get an emergency scan (which there's no guarantee I would get after waiting in the emergency room for hours anyway) when I'm having my 12week tomorrow. This has to be fine. This baby has to be alive. I have to see four limbs waving about and a perfect little heart flashing away. But I still feel calm. Praise God.

calm

Two sleeps to go. Less than 48 hours. I have a strange sense of calm. It can only be God. Only He can give me peace amidst turmoil.
I saw a bunch of gorgeous neutral bonds clothes at the shops today. I could have bought all of them. But I didn't. I just couldn't bear to buy them, and have to leave them in a bag with the tags attached and the receipt close, just in case. That would have been torture. And then to return them if things didn't go well on monday.
43 hours. And I'll be sleeping for about 18 of them.

Come on baby... hold on. Let me be your mamma. Don't join your sisters just yet. Spend a lifetime with me first... please?
I love you little one.
xx