Saturday, October 17, 2009

silly girl

I've been feeling pretty low today. I'm sitting in a hole that I don't particularly want to dig myself out of. I just would like to wallow here a little while if that's ok. It just feels like I'm never going to get pregnant. We've tried for 3 cycles now. And it's just not like us not to get pregnant right away. Except last time. Last time was 4 cycles for memory. Maybe it will happen this month. If not then we'd be approaching trying for 6 months. That's just such a shitty feeling. Especially while all my friends are all happy with their newborns. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. It doesn't help that I've had not enough sleep these last few nights. Every day I see Jordan playing on his own and I hate that I haven't been able to give him a play mate yet. The baby we conceived in August last year would be almost 6 months old now, and would be a great friend for Jordan, and Jordan a great playmate for her/him. I see my cousin's baby Bailey and know that mine would have been sitting and rolling and giggling and gooing and gaaing. They're so interactive at this stage.

I'm having such difficulty trusting in God's timing right now. My head knows it, but my heart and belly are aching for a baby, bleeding, sobbing, tearing, crying out for a baby. The desire is so strong, I don't know why God would torture me with such natural maternal longings and not grant me a baby. I'm not defeated. I'm never going to blame Him for my losses or my trouble falling pregnant, I'm just baffled. But still so incredibly grateful for my miracle baby. Jordan is such a treasure.

I feel so silly hoping for this month to be the month. I really trusted that I would conceive in time to have my baby around my birthday. It seemed fair that God would grant me that. I truly believed it would happen. And now it feels like I have nothing to aim for. A baby conceived this month would be a July baby, the following month, an August baby - Jordan's 4th birthday, an entire year more than the gap I'd always wanted for my babies. Ugh. I'm so depressed. Better stop writing before I sink further into this hole.

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