waiting to exhale...

I haven't written for over a month. I knew that if I wrote, I would not be able to resist writing those words that excite and scare me. I was too scared to write those words for fear that writing them, they would no longer be. I still have that fear, but don't want to deny what is. I need to have faith in God, and not in superstition (though I'm certainly not supersticious).

Here are the words... I am pregnant. There. Said it. I've been happy to tell people, but something about writing it down, here, it scared me. I've been left feeling foolish too many times because I've jumped the gun and spoken of my babies too early. But today was special. Today we saw our precious little bubba and her heartbeat. Or his. Whatever. I don't care what the sex is, I just want a baby. It looked like a little bean, with not much to see but a small body, large head, and a little perfect flashing heart that was beating wildly at 167bpm!! Awesome. I am 8 weeks 1 day, and in 4 weeks I will be out of the woods, and will be able to breathe a little easier. Today I allowed myself to exhale just a little, in 4 weeks, I will release and take a full breath for the first time in 8 weeks. God is good. So good to me.

I am exhausted. The nausea isn't anywhere near as bad as it was with Jordan, which makes me wonder if this is a little girl, but the fatigue is awful. And Jordan just wakes up so early every morning.

Can't write anymore. Need to go to bed.

By the way. There is definitely only ONE baby in there. Praise God!!!