So 5 sleeps to go before my 12 week scan. It's on monday next week. I will be exactly 12 weeks. I - am - scared. I haven't felt any movement for a number of days, and the food aversion/nausea is pretty much gone. But still very tired. I so need to see my baby. To be reassured it's still alive. To know it's little heart is still beating. I just can't see the 12 week scan. I can't imagine it in my head. I just can't. I'm constantly trying but it wont happen. I haven't had a succcessful one since Jordan 4 years ago. This is doing my head in.
God give me faith.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
restrained... but positive :)
Again I haven't written for a few weeks. I'm finding it hard not to gush over this baby, and until I see it kicking away at the 12 week scan, I just can't allow myself to get too... 'gushy'.
So I'm almost 11 weeks. Monday I will be 11 weeks. Monday I will make my appointment to see my baby within the following week. And I will continue to hold my breath just a little until we get there.
On the positive side, I've felt a little bit of movement. I don't care what anyone says, if the baby is big enough to feel it if it were sitting in the palm of my hand, then I can feel it moving in my belly. And I've felt it move a little a few times now. Just as I did with Jordan. And at 12 weeks I was feeling full movement when pregnant with him, and I expect I'll feel the same this time around.
We chose Christmas day to announce the pregnancy on FaceBook, and to tell family members that we saw at lunch today. Everyone seems really happy for us. I printed out a pic of belly babe and just casually showed it to my grandma, and my uncle's new wife, and it took a second for them to realise what they were looking at. Of course it was followed by hugs and kisses. So wonderful to have support.
My belly is so big. Honestly, I didn't show this much until I was 20 weeks with Jordan. I'm only 10 1/2. Hopefully it will ease off a bit soon and not keep growing at the rate it has been!!
Should go to bed now. So so tired after last night's late night getting the house and food prepared for Christmas breakfast this morning. I had about 4 hours and have felt exhausted all day. Hopefully a long restful sleep tonight.
Merry Christmas!!
So I'm almost 11 weeks. Monday I will be 11 weeks. Monday I will make my appointment to see my baby within the following week. And I will continue to hold my breath just a little until we get there.
On the positive side, I've felt a little bit of movement. I don't care what anyone says, if the baby is big enough to feel it if it were sitting in the palm of my hand, then I can feel it moving in my belly. And I've felt it move a little a few times now. Just as I did with Jordan. And at 12 weeks I was feeling full movement when pregnant with him, and I expect I'll feel the same this time around.
We chose Christmas day to announce the pregnancy on FaceBook, and to tell family members that we saw at lunch today. Everyone seems really happy for us. I printed out a pic of belly babe and just casually showed it to my grandma, and my uncle's new wife, and it took a second for them to realise what they were looking at. Of course it was followed by hugs and kisses. So wonderful to have support.
My belly is so big. Honestly, I didn't show this much until I was 20 weeks with Jordan. I'm only 10 1/2. Hopefully it will ease off a bit soon and not keep growing at the rate it has been!!
Should go to bed now. So so tired after last night's late night getting the house and food prepared for Christmas breakfast this morning. I had about 4 hours and have felt exhausted all day. Hopefully a long restful sleep tonight.
Merry Christmas!!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
waiting to exhale...
I haven't written for over a month. I knew that if I wrote, I would not be able to resist writing those words that excite and scare me. I was too scared to write those words for fear that writing them, they would no longer be. I still have that fear, but don't want to deny what is. I need to have faith in God, and not in superstition (though I'm certainly not supersticious).
Here are the words... I am pregnant. There. Said it. I've been happy to tell people, but something about writing it down, here, it scared me. I've been left feeling foolish too many times because I've jumped the gun and spoken of my babies too early. But today was special. Today we saw our precious little bubba and her heartbeat. Or his. Whatever. I don't care what the sex is, I just want a baby. It looked like a little bean, with not much to see but a small body, large head, and a little perfect flashing heart that was beating wildly at 167bpm!! Awesome. I am 8 weeks 1 day, and in 4 weeks I will be out of the woods, and will be able to breathe a little easier. Today I allowed myself to exhale just a little, in 4 weeks, I will release and take a full breath for the first time in 8 weeks. God is good. So good to me.
I am exhausted. The nausea isn't anywhere near as bad as it was with Jordan, which makes me wonder if this is a little girl, but the fatigue is awful. And Jordan just wakes up so early every morning.
Can't write anymore. Need to go to bed.
By the way. There is definitely only ONE baby in there. Praise God!!!
Here are the words... I am pregnant. There. Said it. I've been happy to tell people, but something about writing it down, here, it scared me. I've been left feeling foolish too many times because I've jumped the gun and spoken of my babies too early. But today was special. Today we saw our precious little bubba and her heartbeat. Or his. Whatever. I don't care what the sex is, I just want a baby. It looked like a little bean, with not much to see but a small body, large head, and a little perfect flashing heart that was beating wildly at 167bpm!! Awesome. I am 8 weeks 1 day, and in 4 weeks I will be out of the woods, and will be able to breathe a little easier. Today I allowed myself to exhale just a little, in 4 weeks, I will release and take a full breath for the first time in 8 weeks. God is good. So good to me.
I am exhausted. The nausea isn't anywhere near as bad as it was with Jordan, which makes me wonder if this is a little girl, but the fatigue is awful. And Jordan just wakes up so early every morning.
Can't write anymore. Need to go to bed.
By the way. There is definitely only ONE baby in there. Praise God!!!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
trials...
It's 11pm and Jordan still isn't asleep. He's gotten up out of bed more times than I can remember and I am exhausted. I really wanted an early night. This is really getting to me...
Wait... I think I hear the sweet sound of my sons soft snoring! Yes! Success! He is finally asleep. Thank the Lord.
We're in day two of training Jordan to eat like a normal person, not a parrot that lives on crackers. It's an intense 'eat what's in front of you or go hungry' regimen which is brutal but totally needed. Over the last 18 months or so Jordan has progressively been getting worse with his eating. He used to be the most wonderful eater. But after getting the flu pretty bad when he was about 18 months he just hasn't been the same. He started to refuse pretty much everything except for two minute noodles and toasted sandwiches, which wasn't too bad as I would mix into them everything he should be eating - fruit vegies and meat. But it's gotten progressively worse and his diet had pretty much come down to crackers. Yes, that's it - crackers. It's been driving us crazy for months and months and months. And because his speech has been a little delayed (though it's improved so much since turning 3) we felt we wanted to wait until his 3rd birthday, when we felt that he would DEFINITELY understand what we were telling him. So it was his birthday 2 1/2 months ago, and now that we're in a more stable environment in our own home again after being at mum and dad's for 5 months we felt it was time. We'd had a rotten week where he would throw revolting tantrums at bedtime and bathtime and we just decided enough was enough and worked out an action plan with our doctors at church.
Basically I've got a mini muffin tray full of lots of different fruits nuts vegetables and meats all in their original form all in their own separate little hole. There's a few things that stay there from day to day (sultanas, a nut slice with sesame seeds, nuts, and dried fruit, and some soft pine nuts) and the other things I refresh each day, and change a little to add variety. So far he's eaten cheese, cucumber, ham, and yoghurt. And he still gets his night time milk. Those foods are things that he's eaten quite happily on and off in the past, so nothing terribly new, but at least there's a small amount of diversity, and he will eventually try the other foods. It's so not fun being a mean parent. He started to climb the pantry yesterday trying to get to the crackers, and Jordan is not a climber so I'd say he was pretty desperate for those crackers! (I have since thrown out all the crackers in the pantry :) And he cried the saddest cry begging for them, and I just about cried and gave in! But I bit my lip, opened the fridge and offered him something else - he settled on a huge amount of cucumber! And an hour later when I got home from some grocery shopping, he saw the paper wrapped ham in the fridge and asked for ham!! He had about half of the 300g that I'd purchased. He was soooooooo hungry! And ham is what he settled on tonight after not being asleep for hours as he was so hungry. He probably devoured about 200g. Awesome.
As for bub #2? I'm still getting pregnancy symptoms, and even though I had a negative pregnancy test, I'm still remaining positive, as I'm not due to get my period for another 6 days.
I'm feeling those vague pinching cramps way down low, needed a nap this afternoon which is usually a sure sign I'm knocked up! Full ferns on my maybe baby everyday, even though this is day 22 of my cycle and not likely to be ovulating at this late point in my cycle. Plus what everyone said at church. So I'll probably take another test on thursday morning so that I can tell Celine in person as soon as possible incase I am pregnant. And if that one's negative too then I'll take another one on sunday morning before church. Trying not to get my hopes up, but still hoping and praying like crazy.
This is exhausting.
Well now that my son is definitely well and truly asleep, I will wrap him back up in his blanket, peel my sore butt off the floor outside his bedroom, and go and have a shower and wash this difficult day off my skin.
Wait... I think I hear the sweet sound of my sons soft snoring! Yes! Success! He is finally asleep. Thank the Lord.
We're in day two of training Jordan to eat like a normal person, not a parrot that lives on crackers. It's an intense 'eat what's in front of you or go hungry' regimen which is brutal but totally needed. Over the last 18 months or so Jordan has progressively been getting worse with his eating. He used to be the most wonderful eater. But after getting the flu pretty bad when he was about 18 months he just hasn't been the same. He started to refuse pretty much everything except for two minute noodles and toasted sandwiches, which wasn't too bad as I would mix into them everything he should be eating - fruit vegies and meat. But it's gotten progressively worse and his diet had pretty much come down to crackers. Yes, that's it - crackers. It's been driving us crazy for months and months and months. And because his speech has been a little delayed (though it's improved so much since turning 3) we felt we wanted to wait until his 3rd birthday, when we felt that he would DEFINITELY understand what we were telling him. So it was his birthday 2 1/2 months ago, and now that we're in a more stable environment in our own home again after being at mum and dad's for 5 months we felt it was time. We'd had a rotten week where he would throw revolting tantrums at bedtime and bathtime and we just decided enough was enough and worked out an action plan with our doctors at church.
Basically I've got a mini muffin tray full of lots of different fruits nuts vegetables and meats all in their original form all in their own separate little hole. There's a few things that stay there from day to day (sultanas, a nut slice with sesame seeds, nuts, and dried fruit, and some soft pine nuts) and the other things I refresh each day, and change a little to add variety. So far he's eaten cheese, cucumber, ham, and yoghurt. And he still gets his night time milk. Those foods are things that he's eaten quite happily on and off in the past, so nothing terribly new, but at least there's a small amount of diversity, and he will eventually try the other foods. It's so not fun being a mean parent. He started to climb the pantry yesterday trying to get to the crackers, and Jordan is not a climber so I'd say he was pretty desperate for those crackers! (I have since thrown out all the crackers in the pantry :) And he cried the saddest cry begging for them, and I just about cried and gave in! But I bit my lip, opened the fridge and offered him something else - he settled on a huge amount of cucumber! And an hour later when I got home from some grocery shopping, he saw the paper wrapped ham in the fridge and asked for ham!! He had about half of the 300g that I'd purchased. He was soooooooo hungry! And ham is what he settled on tonight after not being asleep for hours as he was so hungry. He probably devoured about 200g. Awesome.
As for bub #2? I'm still getting pregnancy symptoms, and even though I had a negative pregnancy test, I'm still remaining positive, as I'm not due to get my period for another 6 days.
I'm feeling those vague pinching cramps way down low, needed a nap this afternoon which is usually a sure sign I'm knocked up! Full ferns on my maybe baby everyday, even though this is day 22 of my cycle and not likely to be ovulating at this late point in my cycle. Plus what everyone said at church. So I'll probably take another test on thursday morning so that I can tell Celine in person as soon as possible incase I am pregnant. And if that one's negative too then I'll take another one on sunday morning before church. Trying not to get my hopes up, but still hoping and praying like crazy.
This is exhausting.
Well now that my son is definitely well and truly asleep, I will wrap him back up in his blanket, peel my sore butt off the floor outside his bedroom, and go and have a shower and wash this difficult day off my skin.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
hope...
Today was interesting. We were at church and I've been having tender boobs for a few days, and some weird feelings in my belly.
I hugged my wonderful friend, and we're both so excited! We're both trying and hoping and praying desperately for a baby, and before I could say to her 'I think I may be pregnant' she said, 'I really feely you're pregnant, I can feel it in my 'waters'' so funny! She's hilarious. I love her to bits! She feels very strongly that this is the month for me, she's thinking she may be as well, but she's certain that I'm pregnant :) so lovely. So there was that, and Belinda asked me if I'm pregnant yet, and I said 'maybe! not sure, hopefully this month was the month!'. And then I passed Robin and Rebecca - beautiful souls - and they asked me how I was, they're finally back from New Zealand after 3 years, I saw Robin a few weeks ago, and he said as I left church that day that God will give me the desire of my heart. And so today, a few weeks later as I passed them in the kitchen, Robin asked me what the desire of my heart is, he felt God say to him to ask me that question - without hesitation I said 'a baby' and straight away they both started praying for me. Of course I cried. It's such a humbling thing to have people pray so fervently over you.
As they laid their hands on me, he prayed for a healthy conception, in God's timing, a blessed prenancy, and a blessed child. Just as it was with Jordan, he prayed for a wonderful succesful pregnancy without miscarriage, a wonderful birth, and a child blessed so much by God. A child with a wonderful future in God's plan. He said so much more but I don't remember, he quoted something in the bible, something about a prophecy parallelling a story in the bible. I wish I could remember more but I was crying and don't remember all of it.
So with all that happened today, and how I've been feeling these last few days, I'm thinking that this may be the month. Trying not to get my hopes up. Which in all honesty is impossible. But we'll see how it goes. My period is due monday next week, in 8 days. I guess I'll take a test during the week if I can't hold out until the weekend! Otherwise I should know in about a weeks time! Ugh. I'm so sick of doing this dance. Please Lord, grant me this.
I hugged my wonderful friend, and we're both so excited! We're both trying and hoping and praying desperately for a baby, and before I could say to her 'I think I may be pregnant' she said, 'I really feely you're pregnant, I can feel it in my 'waters'' so funny! She's hilarious. I love her to bits! She feels very strongly that this is the month for me, she's thinking she may be as well, but she's certain that I'm pregnant :) so lovely. So there was that, and Belinda asked me if I'm pregnant yet, and I said 'maybe! not sure, hopefully this month was the month!'. And then I passed Robin and Rebecca - beautiful souls - and they asked me how I was, they're finally back from New Zealand after 3 years, I saw Robin a few weeks ago, and he said as I left church that day that God will give me the desire of my heart. And so today, a few weeks later as I passed them in the kitchen, Robin asked me what the desire of my heart is, he felt God say to him to ask me that question - without hesitation I said 'a baby' and straight away they both started praying for me. Of course I cried. It's such a humbling thing to have people pray so fervently over you.
As they laid their hands on me, he prayed for a healthy conception, in God's timing, a blessed prenancy, and a blessed child. Just as it was with Jordan, he prayed for a wonderful succesful pregnancy without miscarriage, a wonderful birth, and a child blessed so much by God. A child with a wonderful future in God's plan. He said so much more but I don't remember, he quoted something in the bible, something about a prophecy parallelling a story in the bible. I wish I could remember more but I was crying and don't remember all of it.
So with all that happened today, and how I've been feeling these last few days, I'm thinking that this may be the month. Trying not to get my hopes up. Which in all honesty is impossible. But we'll see how it goes. My period is due monday next week, in 8 days. I guess I'll take a test during the week if I can't hold out until the weekend! Otherwise I should know in about a weeks time! Ugh. I'm so sick of doing this dance. Please Lord, grant me this.
Friday, October 23, 2009
troughs and plateaus... but no peaks
I'm still so down. And emotional. Mostly a little better, but just really flat. I spent the morning with my gorgeous cousin Kate and her baby Bailey. Bailey is the age of the baby I lost last year, had I not miscarried. We had a really wonderful morning (it was her birthday), but, as always, I was left longing. Desperately longing. And the lovely thing about Kate, which always brings me to the brink of tears, is she knows exactly what I'm enduring. I look into her eyes, and she understands. And she sees me. She really sees me. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. She just knows. I say something, and she really knows.
It's such a shitty feeling, trying so hard, losing, getting my hopes up each month, getting my period, devastation, scared to death, seeing friends with babies, having to say congratulations through tears, seeing crappy mums who don't deserve to be mothers continuously have babies, knowing thousands of women go to abortion clinics every day to get rid of babies that are conceived at the 'wrong' time in their lives. And she looks in my eyes and knows. She knows it all. And it helps, but I'm devastated being so naked, so exposed, having my feelings so obvious. And there is so much love and sorrow in her eyes. She shouldn't have to look at me like that, I feel bad that she hurts for me like this. Us women who really deserve babies should just be able to have them. We shouldn't have to go through all of this pain, we shouldn't have to understand each other's agony like we do. But we do. And I'm so grateful for having her, for her knowing me, what's going on. Knowing that I can tell her anything and she knows.
Thank you Lord for my wonderful beautiful friend.
It's such a shitty feeling, trying so hard, losing, getting my hopes up each month, getting my period, devastation, scared to death, seeing friends with babies, having to say congratulations through tears, seeing crappy mums who don't deserve to be mothers continuously have babies, knowing thousands of women go to abortion clinics every day to get rid of babies that are conceived at the 'wrong' time in their lives. And she looks in my eyes and knows. She knows it all. And it helps, but I'm devastated being so naked, so exposed, having my feelings so obvious. And there is so much love and sorrow in her eyes. She shouldn't have to look at me like that, I feel bad that she hurts for me like this. Us women who really deserve babies should just be able to have them. We shouldn't have to go through all of this pain, we shouldn't have to understand each other's agony like we do. But we do. And I'm so grateful for having her, for her knowing me, what's going on. Knowing that I can tell her anything and she knows.
Thank you Lord for my wonderful beautiful friend.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
silly girl
I've been feeling pretty low today. I'm sitting in a hole that I don't particularly want to dig myself out of. I just would like to wallow here a little while if that's ok. It just feels like I'm never going to get pregnant. We've tried for 3 cycles now. And it's just not like us not to get pregnant right away. Except last time. Last time was 4 cycles for memory. Maybe it will happen this month. If not then we'd be approaching trying for 6 months. That's just such a shitty feeling. Especially while all my friends are all happy with their newborns. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. It doesn't help that I've had not enough sleep these last few nights. Every day I see Jordan playing on his own and I hate that I haven't been able to give him a play mate yet. The baby we conceived in August last year would be almost 6 months old now, and would be a great friend for Jordan, and Jordan a great playmate for her/him. I see my cousin's baby Bailey and know that mine would have been sitting and rolling and giggling and gooing and gaaing. They're so interactive at this stage.
I'm having such difficulty trusting in God's timing right now. My head knows it, but my heart and belly are aching for a baby, bleeding, sobbing, tearing, crying out for a baby. The desire is so strong, I don't know why God would torture me with such natural maternal longings and not grant me a baby. I'm not defeated. I'm never going to blame Him for my losses or my trouble falling pregnant, I'm just baffled. But still so incredibly grateful for my miracle baby. Jordan is such a treasure.
I feel so silly hoping for this month to be the month. I really trusted that I would conceive in time to have my baby around my birthday. It seemed fair that God would grant me that. I truly believed it would happen. And now it feels like I have nothing to aim for. A baby conceived this month would be a July baby, the following month, an August baby - Jordan's 4th birthday, an entire year more than the gap I'd always wanted for my babies. Ugh. I'm so depressed. Better stop writing before I sink further into this hole.
I'm having such difficulty trusting in God's timing right now. My head knows it, but my heart and belly are aching for a baby, bleeding, sobbing, tearing, crying out for a baby. The desire is so strong, I don't know why God would torture me with such natural maternal longings and not grant me a baby. I'm not defeated. I'm never going to blame Him for my losses or my trouble falling pregnant, I'm just baffled. But still so incredibly grateful for my miracle baby. Jordan is such a treasure.
I feel so silly hoping for this month to be the month. I really trusted that I would conceive in time to have my baby around my birthday. It seemed fair that God would grant me that. I truly believed it would happen. And now it feels like I have nothing to aim for. A baby conceived this month would be a July baby, the following month, an August baby - Jordan's 4th birthday, an entire year more than the gap I'd always wanted for my babies. Ugh. I'm so depressed. Better stop writing before I sink further into this hole.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)