I haven't written for over a month. I knew that if I wrote, I would not be able to resist writing those words that excite and scare me. I was too scared to write those words for fear that writing them, they would no longer be. I still have that fear, but don't want to deny what is. I need to have faith in God, and not in superstition (though I'm certainly not supersticious).
Here are the words... I am pregnant. There. Said it. I've been happy to tell people, but something about writing it down, here, it scared me. I've been left feeling foolish too many times because I've jumped the gun and spoken of my babies too early. But today was special. Today we saw our precious little bubba and her heartbeat. Or his. Whatever. I don't care what the sex is, I just want a baby. It looked like a little bean, with not much to see but a small body, large head, and a little perfect flashing heart that was beating wildly at 167bpm!! Awesome. I am 8 weeks 1 day, and in 4 weeks I will be out of the woods, and will be able to breathe a little easier. Today I allowed myself to exhale just a little, in 4 weeks, I will release and take a full breath for the first time in 8 weeks. God is good. So good to me.
I am exhausted. The nausea isn't anywhere near as bad as it was with Jordan, which makes me wonder if this is a little girl, but the fatigue is awful. And Jordan just wakes up so early every morning.
Can't write anymore. Need to go to bed.
By the way. There is definitely only ONE baby in there. Praise God!!!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
trials...
It's 11pm and Jordan still isn't asleep. He's gotten up out of bed more times than I can remember and I am exhausted. I really wanted an early night. This is really getting to me...
Wait... I think I hear the sweet sound of my sons soft snoring! Yes! Success! He is finally asleep. Thank the Lord.
We're in day two of training Jordan to eat like a normal person, not a parrot that lives on crackers. It's an intense 'eat what's in front of you or go hungry' regimen which is brutal but totally needed. Over the last 18 months or so Jordan has progressively been getting worse with his eating. He used to be the most wonderful eater. But after getting the flu pretty bad when he was about 18 months he just hasn't been the same. He started to refuse pretty much everything except for two minute noodles and toasted sandwiches, which wasn't too bad as I would mix into them everything he should be eating - fruit vegies and meat. But it's gotten progressively worse and his diet had pretty much come down to crackers. Yes, that's it - crackers. It's been driving us crazy for months and months and months. And because his speech has been a little delayed (though it's improved so much since turning 3) we felt we wanted to wait until his 3rd birthday, when we felt that he would DEFINITELY understand what we were telling him. So it was his birthday 2 1/2 months ago, and now that we're in a more stable environment in our own home again after being at mum and dad's for 5 months we felt it was time. We'd had a rotten week where he would throw revolting tantrums at bedtime and bathtime and we just decided enough was enough and worked out an action plan with our doctors at church.
Basically I've got a mini muffin tray full of lots of different fruits nuts vegetables and meats all in their original form all in their own separate little hole. There's a few things that stay there from day to day (sultanas, a nut slice with sesame seeds, nuts, and dried fruit, and some soft pine nuts) and the other things I refresh each day, and change a little to add variety. So far he's eaten cheese, cucumber, ham, and yoghurt. And he still gets his night time milk. Those foods are things that he's eaten quite happily on and off in the past, so nothing terribly new, but at least there's a small amount of diversity, and he will eventually try the other foods. It's so not fun being a mean parent. He started to climb the pantry yesterday trying to get to the crackers, and Jordan is not a climber so I'd say he was pretty desperate for those crackers! (I have since thrown out all the crackers in the pantry :) And he cried the saddest cry begging for them, and I just about cried and gave in! But I bit my lip, opened the fridge and offered him something else - he settled on a huge amount of cucumber! And an hour later when I got home from some grocery shopping, he saw the paper wrapped ham in the fridge and asked for ham!! He had about half of the 300g that I'd purchased. He was soooooooo hungry! And ham is what he settled on tonight after not being asleep for hours as he was so hungry. He probably devoured about 200g. Awesome.
As for bub #2? I'm still getting pregnancy symptoms, and even though I had a negative pregnancy test, I'm still remaining positive, as I'm not due to get my period for another 6 days.
I'm feeling those vague pinching cramps way down low, needed a nap this afternoon which is usually a sure sign I'm knocked up! Full ferns on my maybe baby everyday, even though this is day 22 of my cycle and not likely to be ovulating at this late point in my cycle. Plus what everyone said at church. So I'll probably take another test on thursday morning so that I can tell Celine in person as soon as possible incase I am pregnant. And if that one's negative too then I'll take another one on sunday morning before church. Trying not to get my hopes up, but still hoping and praying like crazy.
This is exhausting.
Well now that my son is definitely well and truly asleep, I will wrap him back up in his blanket, peel my sore butt off the floor outside his bedroom, and go and have a shower and wash this difficult day off my skin.
Wait... I think I hear the sweet sound of my sons soft snoring! Yes! Success! He is finally asleep. Thank the Lord.
We're in day two of training Jordan to eat like a normal person, not a parrot that lives on crackers. It's an intense 'eat what's in front of you or go hungry' regimen which is brutal but totally needed. Over the last 18 months or so Jordan has progressively been getting worse with his eating. He used to be the most wonderful eater. But after getting the flu pretty bad when he was about 18 months he just hasn't been the same. He started to refuse pretty much everything except for two minute noodles and toasted sandwiches, which wasn't too bad as I would mix into them everything he should be eating - fruit vegies and meat. But it's gotten progressively worse and his diet had pretty much come down to crackers. Yes, that's it - crackers. It's been driving us crazy for months and months and months. And because his speech has been a little delayed (though it's improved so much since turning 3) we felt we wanted to wait until his 3rd birthday, when we felt that he would DEFINITELY understand what we were telling him. So it was his birthday 2 1/2 months ago, and now that we're in a more stable environment in our own home again after being at mum and dad's for 5 months we felt it was time. We'd had a rotten week where he would throw revolting tantrums at bedtime and bathtime and we just decided enough was enough and worked out an action plan with our doctors at church.
Basically I've got a mini muffin tray full of lots of different fruits nuts vegetables and meats all in their original form all in their own separate little hole. There's a few things that stay there from day to day (sultanas, a nut slice with sesame seeds, nuts, and dried fruit, and some soft pine nuts) and the other things I refresh each day, and change a little to add variety. So far he's eaten cheese, cucumber, ham, and yoghurt. And he still gets his night time milk. Those foods are things that he's eaten quite happily on and off in the past, so nothing terribly new, but at least there's a small amount of diversity, and he will eventually try the other foods. It's so not fun being a mean parent. He started to climb the pantry yesterday trying to get to the crackers, and Jordan is not a climber so I'd say he was pretty desperate for those crackers! (I have since thrown out all the crackers in the pantry :) And he cried the saddest cry begging for them, and I just about cried and gave in! But I bit my lip, opened the fridge and offered him something else - he settled on a huge amount of cucumber! And an hour later when I got home from some grocery shopping, he saw the paper wrapped ham in the fridge and asked for ham!! He had about half of the 300g that I'd purchased. He was soooooooo hungry! And ham is what he settled on tonight after not being asleep for hours as he was so hungry. He probably devoured about 200g. Awesome.
As for bub #2? I'm still getting pregnancy symptoms, and even though I had a negative pregnancy test, I'm still remaining positive, as I'm not due to get my period for another 6 days.
I'm feeling those vague pinching cramps way down low, needed a nap this afternoon which is usually a sure sign I'm knocked up! Full ferns on my maybe baby everyday, even though this is day 22 of my cycle and not likely to be ovulating at this late point in my cycle. Plus what everyone said at church. So I'll probably take another test on thursday morning so that I can tell Celine in person as soon as possible incase I am pregnant. And if that one's negative too then I'll take another one on sunday morning before church. Trying not to get my hopes up, but still hoping and praying like crazy.
This is exhausting.
Well now that my son is definitely well and truly asleep, I will wrap him back up in his blanket, peel my sore butt off the floor outside his bedroom, and go and have a shower and wash this difficult day off my skin.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
hope...
Today was interesting. We were at church and I've been having tender boobs for a few days, and some weird feelings in my belly.
I hugged my wonderful friend, and we're both so excited! We're both trying and hoping and praying desperately for a baby, and before I could say to her 'I think I may be pregnant' she said, 'I really feely you're pregnant, I can feel it in my 'waters'' so funny! She's hilarious. I love her to bits! She feels very strongly that this is the month for me, she's thinking she may be as well, but she's certain that I'm pregnant :) so lovely. So there was that, and Belinda asked me if I'm pregnant yet, and I said 'maybe! not sure, hopefully this month was the month!'. And then I passed Robin and Rebecca - beautiful souls - and they asked me how I was, they're finally back from New Zealand after 3 years, I saw Robin a few weeks ago, and he said as I left church that day that God will give me the desire of my heart. And so today, a few weeks later as I passed them in the kitchen, Robin asked me what the desire of my heart is, he felt God say to him to ask me that question - without hesitation I said 'a baby' and straight away they both started praying for me. Of course I cried. It's such a humbling thing to have people pray so fervently over you.
As they laid their hands on me, he prayed for a healthy conception, in God's timing, a blessed prenancy, and a blessed child. Just as it was with Jordan, he prayed for a wonderful succesful pregnancy without miscarriage, a wonderful birth, and a child blessed so much by God. A child with a wonderful future in God's plan. He said so much more but I don't remember, he quoted something in the bible, something about a prophecy parallelling a story in the bible. I wish I could remember more but I was crying and don't remember all of it.
So with all that happened today, and how I've been feeling these last few days, I'm thinking that this may be the month. Trying not to get my hopes up. Which in all honesty is impossible. But we'll see how it goes. My period is due monday next week, in 8 days. I guess I'll take a test during the week if I can't hold out until the weekend! Otherwise I should know in about a weeks time! Ugh. I'm so sick of doing this dance. Please Lord, grant me this.
I hugged my wonderful friend, and we're both so excited! We're both trying and hoping and praying desperately for a baby, and before I could say to her 'I think I may be pregnant' she said, 'I really feely you're pregnant, I can feel it in my 'waters'' so funny! She's hilarious. I love her to bits! She feels very strongly that this is the month for me, she's thinking she may be as well, but she's certain that I'm pregnant :) so lovely. So there was that, and Belinda asked me if I'm pregnant yet, and I said 'maybe! not sure, hopefully this month was the month!'. And then I passed Robin and Rebecca - beautiful souls - and they asked me how I was, they're finally back from New Zealand after 3 years, I saw Robin a few weeks ago, and he said as I left church that day that God will give me the desire of my heart. And so today, a few weeks later as I passed them in the kitchen, Robin asked me what the desire of my heart is, he felt God say to him to ask me that question - without hesitation I said 'a baby' and straight away they both started praying for me. Of course I cried. It's such a humbling thing to have people pray so fervently over you.
As they laid their hands on me, he prayed for a healthy conception, in God's timing, a blessed prenancy, and a blessed child. Just as it was with Jordan, he prayed for a wonderful succesful pregnancy without miscarriage, a wonderful birth, and a child blessed so much by God. A child with a wonderful future in God's plan. He said so much more but I don't remember, he quoted something in the bible, something about a prophecy parallelling a story in the bible. I wish I could remember more but I was crying and don't remember all of it.
So with all that happened today, and how I've been feeling these last few days, I'm thinking that this may be the month. Trying not to get my hopes up. Which in all honesty is impossible. But we'll see how it goes. My period is due monday next week, in 8 days. I guess I'll take a test during the week if I can't hold out until the weekend! Otherwise I should know in about a weeks time! Ugh. I'm so sick of doing this dance. Please Lord, grant me this.
Friday, October 23, 2009
troughs and plateaus... but no peaks
I'm still so down. And emotional. Mostly a little better, but just really flat. I spent the morning with my gorgeous cousin Kate and her baby Bailey. Bailey is the age of the baby I lost last year, had I not miscarried. We had a really wonderful morning (it was her birthday), but, as always, I was left longing. Desperately longing. And the lovely thing about Kate, which always brings me to the brink of tears, is she knows exactly what I'm enduring. I look into her eyes, and she understands. And she sees me. She really sees me. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. She just knows. I say something, and she really knows.
It's such a shitty feeling, trying so hard, losing, getting my hopes up each month, getting my period, devastation, scared to death, seeing friends with babies, having to say congratulations through tears, seeing crappy mums who don't deserve to be mothers continuously have babies, knowing thousands of women go to abortion clinics every day to get rid of babies that are conceived at the 'wrong' time in their lives. And she looks in my eyes and knows. She knows it all. And it helps, but I'm devastated being so naked, so exposed, having my feelings so obvious. And there is so much love and sorrow in her eyes. She shouldn't have to look at me like that, I feel bad that she hurts for me like this. Us women who really deserve babies should just be able to have them. We shouldn't have to go through all of this pain, we shouldn't have to understand each other's agony like we do. But we do. And I'm so grateful for having her, for her knowing me, what's going on. Knowing that I can tell her anything and she knows.
Thank you Lord for my wonderful beautiful friend.
It's such a shitty feeling, trying so hard, losing, getting my hopes up each month, getting my period, devastation, scared to death, seeing friends with babies, having to say congratulations through tears, seeing crappy mums who don't deserve to be mothers continuously have babies, knowing thousands of women go to abortion clinics every day to get rid of babies that are conceived at the 'wrong' time in their lives. And she looks in my eyes and knows. She knows it all. And it helps, but I'm devastated being so naked, so exposed, having my feelings so obvious. And there is so much love and sorrow in her eyes. She shouldn't have to look at me like that, I feel bad that she hurts for me like this. Us women who really deserve babies should just be able to have them. We shouldn't have to go through all of this pain, we shouldn't have to understand each other's agony like we do. But we do. And I'm so grateful for having her, for her knowing me, what's going on. Knowing that I can tell her anything and she knows.
Thank you Lord for my wonderful beautiful friend.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
silly girl
I've been feeling pretty low today. I'm sitting in a hole that I don't particularly want to dig myself out of. I just would like to wallow here a little while if that's ok. It just feels like I'm never going to get pregnant. We've tried for 3 cycles now. And it's just not like us not to get pregnant right away. Except last time. Last time was 4 cycles for memory. Maybe it will happen this month. If not then we'd be approaching trying for 6 months. That's just such a shitty feeling. Especially while all my friends are all happy with their newborns. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. It doesn't help that I've had not enough sleep these last few nights. Every day I see Jordan playing on his own and I hate that I haven't been able to give him a play mate yet. The baby we conceived in August last year would be almost 6 months old now, and would be a great friend for Jordan, and Jordan a great playmate for her/him. I see my cousin's baby Bailey and know that mine would have been sitting and rolling and giggling and gooing and gaaing. They're so interactive at this stage.
I'm having such difficulty trusting in God's timing right now. My head knows it, but my heart and belly are aching for a baby, bleeding, sobbing, tearing, crying out for a baby. The desire is so strong, I don't know why God would torture me with such natural maternal longings and not grant me a baby. I'm not defeated. I'm never going to blame Him for my losses or my trouble falling pregnant, I'm just baffled. But still so incredibly grateful for my miracle baby. Jordan is such a treasure.
I feel so silly hoping for this month to be the month. I really trusted that I would conceive in time to have my baby around my birthday. It seemed fair that God would grant me that. I truly believed it would happen. And now it feels like I have nothing to aim for. A baby conceived this month would be a July baby, the following month, an August baby - Jordan's 4th birthday, an entire year more than the gap I'd always wanted for my babies. Ugh. I'm so depressed. Better stop writing before I sink further into this hole.
I'm having such difficulty trusting in God's timing right now. My head knows it, but my heart and belly are aching for a baby, bleeding, sobbing, tearing, crying out for a baby. The desire is so strong, I don't know why God would torture me with such natural maternal longings and not grant me a baby. I'm not defeated. I'm never going to blame Him for my losses or my trouble falling pregnant, I'm just baffled. But still so incredibly grateful for my miracle baby. Jordan is such a treasure.
I feel so silly hoping for this month to be the month. I really trusted that I would conceive in time to have my baby around my birthday. It seemed fair that God would grant me that. I truly believed it would happen. And now it feels like I have nothing to aim for. A baby conceived this month would be a July baby, the following month, an August baby - Jordan's 4th birthday, an entire year more than the gap I'd always wanted for my babies. Ugh. I'm so depressed. Better stop writing before I sink further into this hole.
Friday, October 16, 2009
not a fun week
So in the last week my wonderful precious friend lost her baby. I'm just so sad, and she is being so strong.
And I got my period. Ugh. Another month gone. I was really hoping for this month. This month would have ensured a baby around my 26th birthday. I thought it would be the best birthday gift. I thought God would have granted me that. I have to trust in His timing, I just don't understand it.
I do have mixed feelings about it though, I would have felt bad telling my friend of my wonderful news just days after getting her sad news. But I can't help but feeling deflated, and sad. I just want this baby so much. This month we're going to be very 'active' in trying. Every second day after my period finishes we'll have sex (or at least try to) until my next period is due. That's like 3 weeks!! Ha ha. Dean wont know what hit him. I just don't want to waste this month. Last month I just couldn't get into it. And the days I could, weren't the 'right' days. It's really no great surprise that I didn't fall pregnant this month.
Anyway, I'm exhausted. Going to bed.
And I got my period. Ugh. Another month gone. I was really hoping for this month. This month would have ensured a baby around my 26th birthday. I thought it would be the best birthday gift. I thought God would have granted me that. I have to trust in His timing, I just don't understand it.
I do have mixed feelings about it though, I would have felt bad telling my friend of my wonderful news just days after getting her sad news. But I can't help but feeling deflated, and sad. I just want this baby so much. This month we're going to be very 'active' in trying. Every second day after my period finishes we'll have sex (or at least try to) until my next period is due. That's like 3 weeks!! Ha ha. Dean wont know what hit him. I just don't want to waste this month. Last month I just couldn't get into it. And the days I could, weren't the 'right' days. It's really no great surprise that I didn't fall pregnant this month.
Anyway, I'm exhausted. Going to bed.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
angels watching
Yesterday I experienced sheer panic. Sick, unbelievable, confused, terrified PANIC. Jordan had managed to go through the door to the garage, out the open garage door, and out on to the street. We didn't know he was missing for a good 10 minutes. I thought he was in the loungeroom watching tv with my brother.
It wasn't until Dean got up and I asked him to check on Jordan that we realised something was wrong. He wasn't with Ben. And the door from the hallway to the garage was open. And the garage door was open. And Jordan was no where to be seen.
Dean ran straight to one end of the park across the road where the swings are, Ben ran to the other end where the ducks and the water. Mum ran down the street towards the shops. And I just stood in the middle of the road not knowing what to do. It was surreal. I felt like I was just watching it all happen from above and not knowing what to do. Mum just yelled out to run through the park. I started running. I felt like I was flying. Literally I don't even know if my feet touched the ground. After what felt like an eternity of running and thinking of all the possibilities of where he could be and what would happen if we couldn't find him, images of police helicopters circling the area, concerned neighbours watching, judging us bad parents for losing their son, I came across a couple walking their dog. I asked them if they'd seen a little boy, they said that there was a woman telling a man (Dean) that she found him and took him into her home.
That was when I really flew. I knew that my baby was fine. But I needed to see him so desperately. I could see Dean walking with this woman towards her house (just across the park) and just saw my little man running down her driveway yelling "Mamma!!!" That's when I lost it. I just burst into tears as I was running to my baby. Dean was carrying him and Jordan was none the wiser, just thinking he'd been on a fun adventure. I just held him crying and walking, and he had the most puzzled look on his face, he didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
Turns out this (angel) woman had seen him walking down the path on his own, looking back now and then, and thankfully thought to take him inside her house and wait to see if the parents came looking for him. She was a few minutes away from calling the police when she saw Dean looking for him. Thank God for that angel woman.
It tortures me to think of all the things that could have happened to him. Cars, water, pedophiles, crazy baby snatching people, or him just simply wandering the streets, no one seeing him, and getting lost in the bush somewhere. I was so insanely mad and full of terror. When we saw Mum in the park and she saw that all was ok, I just started screaming. Dad was the one that left the door and the garage door open. As always. This has happened many times before, not Jordan wandering off, but absent minded Dad leaving all the doors open. We've lost count the amount of times we've talked to him about the door being open. And he's just laughed and said something like 'oh Jordan you could have wandered off' and laughed it off. And it's always made me mad. The laughing it off and not taking it seriously. So I was screaming to Mum, about Dad, using all the cuss words I knew, not caring that she might be offended, knowing that she would understand. And she was just as furious at him. She had called him and told him what happened, that Jordan was missing and it was his fault for leaving the door open.
I was shaking with anger and fear. I didn't know I could be that intense. So when Dad got home from his little outing in his f**king little car which he idolises, I just tore into him. I have always been terrified of Dad. He was such a strict disciplinarian when we were little that I had more fear for him than respect. Before he got home, I prayed that God would give me the strength to tell him all I needed to tell him. And God surely gave me the strength! I didn't think I'd ever be able to scream and swear at him like I did last night. He just kept saying sorry. I didn't care. It was my time to talk and scream and ask him what it would take for him to realise he can't leave doors open with children in the house. I told him all the things that could have happened to Jordan. I asked him what the f**k he was thinking. And I said thank f**k Jordan was ok. I wanted to say 'or God help me I would have killed you' but I didn't. I thought that may have taken it too far. Lucky God let me say what I NEEDED to say but kept a leash on my tongue and stopped me from saying anything more than what was necessary. This all came out of my mouth within a minute and it was over. I said what I had to, and walked back to my son to hold him. He said sorry to Dean and Dean said nothing.
Mum was so supportive. She backed up everything I said, even the swearing, and said that if I need to say it all to him again, that I should do it. Whatever it took to get it through his head. She even expected Dean to hit him as soon as he walked through the door. But Dean was very reserved, and said nothing. Which was far more effective I imagine than him saying something, as Dean always has something to say. Mum fully expected (and actually hoped) Dean to hit Dad. At the park Dean kept saying 'I'll f**king kill him, I'll f**king kill him'.
Mum was so furious. We all were. And Dad hid in his bedroom most of the evening. He didn't come out until I went to bed at 10pm. I guess he was embarrassed. And ashamed. Good. That's part of the punishment, that and the fact that I can't trust him to have Jordan on his own anymore. He's lost all privileges of babysitting, and I don't know when he'll get it back. It will be a long long time. Maybe years. Maybe never. I don't know. And I told him all of that in a note that I left for him that night. I said I forgive him. I know he's sorry. I understand. But the consequence is he has lost my trust. But all is ok, and I love him. I didn't want to leave it too long. We all have to function in this house together and I can't bare awkward deafening silences.
Dean later said to me that I probably shouldn't have sworn at him. I don't regret a thing. Me saying everything nicely wouldn't have gotten through to him. But him seeing his daughter who has always been so scared of him scream and swear at him, well that would have been like hitting a brick wall. I would have been terrified if anyone had spoken to me that way. And I think it had the desired effect. Who knows if it's enough to re-wire his brain into thinking beyond what he is doing, and think about those around him, and do simple things like close a door behind him. Who knows. Maybe while this is still raw he'll be aware, but most likely when the waters have settled a little, he'll just go back to being mindless and thoughtless. But now I know to be so careful. 1000000% careful. Not to trust that he would do the right thing. To always be aware and to have eyes everywhere. Thank God I married a man who is more aware than that. He is so much more aware. Lord knows he's not perfect, neither am I. But as far as safety goes, I think he'll be fine. And if there was any doubt, going through what we went through, would have jolted him back to reality. It's certainly done that for me.
It wasn't until Dean got up and I asked him to check on Jordan that we realised something was wrong. He wasn't with Ben. And the door from the hallway to the garage was open. And the garage door was open. And Jordan was no where to be seen.
Dean ran straight to one end of the park across the road where the swings are, Ben ran to the other end where the ducks and the water. Mum ran down the street towards the shops. And I just stood in the middle of the road not knowing what to do. It was surreal. I felt like I was just watching it all happen from above and not knowing what to do. Mum just yelled out to run through the park. I started running. I felt like I was flying. Literally I don't even know if my feet touched the ground. After what felt like an eternity of running and thinking of all the possibilities of where he could be and what would happen if we couldn't find him, images of police helicopters circling the area, concerned neighbours watching, judging us bad parents for losing their son, I came across a couple walking their dog. I asked them if they'd seen a little boy, they said that there was a woman telling a man (Dean) that she found him and took him into her home.
That was when I really flew. I knew that my baby was fine. But I needed to see him so desperately. I could see Dean walking with this woman towards her house (just across the park) and just saw my little man running down her driveway yelling "Mamma!!!" That's when I lost it. I just burst into tears as I was running to my baby. Dean was carrying him and Jordan was none the wiser, just thinking he'd been on a fun adventure. I just held him crying and walking, and he had the most puzzled look on his face, he didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
Turns out this (angel) woman had seen him walking down the path on his own, looking back now and then, and thankfully thought to take him inside her house and wait to see if the parents came looking for him. She was a few minutes away from calling the police when she saw Dean looking for him. Thank God for that angel woman.
It tortures me to think of all the things that could have happened to him. Cars, water, pedophiles, crazy baby snatching people, or him just simply wandering the streets, no one seeing him, and getting lost in the bush somewhere. I was so insanely mad and full of terror. When we saw Mum in the park and she saw that all was ok, I just started screaming. Dad was the one that left the door and the garage door open. As always. This has happened many times before, not Jordan wandering off, but absent minded Dad leaving all the doors open. We've lost count the amount of times we've talked to him about the door being open. And he's just laughed and said something like 'oh Jordan you could have wandered off' and laughed it off. And it's always made me mad. The laughing it off and not taking it seriously. So I was screaming to Mum, about Dad, using all the cuss words I knew, not caring that she might be offended, knowing that she would understand. And she was just as furious at him. She had called him and told him what happened, that Jordan was missing and it was his fault for leaving the door open.
I was shaking with anger and fear. I didn't know I could be that intense. So when Dad got home from his little outing in his f**king little car which he idolises, I just tore into him. I have always been terrified of Dad. He was such a strict disciplinarian when we were little that I had more fear for him than respect. Before he got home, I prayed that God would give me the strength to tell him all I needed to tell him. And God surely gave me the strength! I didn't think I'd ever be able to scream and swear at him like I did last night. He just kept saying sorry. I didn't care. It was my time to talk and scream and ask him what it would take for him to realise he can't leave doors open with children in the house. I told him all the things that could have happened to Jordan. I asked him what the f**k he was thinking. And I said thank f**k Jordan was ok. I wanted to say 'or God help me I would have killed you' but I didn't. I thought that may have taken it too far. Lucky God let me say what I NEEDED to say but kept a leash on my tongue and stopped me from saying anything more than what was necessary. This all came out of my mouth within a minute and it was over. I said what I had to, and walked back to my son to hold him. He said sorry to Dean and Dean said nothing.
Mum was so supportive. She backed up everything I said, even the swearing, and said that if I need to say it all to him again, that I should do it. Whatever it took to get it through his head. She even expected Dean to hit him as soon as he walked through the door. But Dean was very reserved, and said nothing. Which was far more effective I imagine than him saying something, as Dean always has something to say. Mum fully expected (and actually hoped) Dean to hit Dad. At the park Dean kept saying 'I'll f**king kill him, I'll f**king kill him'.
Mum was so furious. We all were. And Dad hid in his bedroom most of the evening. He didn't come out until I went to bed at 10pm. I guess he was embarrassed. And ashamed. Good. That's part of the punishment, that and the fact that I can't trust him to have Jordan on his own anymore. He's lost all privileges of babysitting, and I don't know when he'll get it back. It will be a long long time. Maybe years. Maybe never. I don't know. And I told him all of that in a note that I left for him that night. I said I forgive him. I know he's sorry. I understand. But the consequence is he has lost my trust. But all is ok, and I love him. I didn't want to leave it too long. We all have to function in this house together and I can't bare awkward deafening silences.
Dean later said to me that I probably shouldn't have sworn at him. I don't regret a thing. Me saying everything nicely wouldn't have gotten through to him. But him seeing his daughter who has always been so scared of him scream and swear at him, well that would have been like hitting a brick wall. I would have been terrified if anyone had spoken to me that way. And I think it had the desired effect. Who knows if it's enough to re-wire his brain into thinking beyond what he is doing, and think about those around him, and do simple things like close a door behind him. Who knows. Maybe while this is still raw he'll be aware, but most likely when the waters have settled a little, he'll just go back to being mindless and thoughtless. But now I know to be so careful. 1000000% careful. Not to trust that he would do the right thing. To always be aware and to have eyes everywhere. Thank God I married a man who is more aware than that. He is so much more aware. Lord knows he's not perfect, neither am I. But as far as safety goes, I think he'll be fine. And if there was any doubt, going through what we went through, would have jolted him back to reality. It's certainly done that for me.
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