trials...

It's 11pm and Jordan still isn't asleep. He's gotten up out of bed more times than I can remember and I am exhausted. I really wanted an early night. This is really getting to me...
Wait... I think I hear the sweet sound of my sons soft snoring! Yes! Success! He is finally asleep. Thank the Lord.
We're in day two of training Jordan to eat like a normal person, not a parrot that lives on crackers. It's an intense 'eat what's in front of you or go hungry' regimen which is brutal but totally needed. Over the last 18 months or so Jordan has progressively been getting worse with his eating. He used to be the most wonderful eater. But after getting the flu pretty bad when he was about 18 months he just hasn't been the same. He started to refuse pretty much everything except for two minute noodles and toasted sandwiches, which wasn't too bad as I would mix into them everything he should be eating - fruit vegies and meat. But it's gotten progressively worse and his diet had pretty much come down to crackers. Yes, that's it - crackers. It's been driving us crazy for months and months and months. And because his speech has been a little delayed (though it's improved so much since turning 3) we felt we wanted to wait until his 3rd birthday, when we felt that he would DEFINITELY understand what we were telling him. So it was his birthday 2 1/2 months ago, and now that we're in a more stable environment in our own home again after being at mum and dad's for 5 months we felt it was time. We'd had a rotten week where he would throw revolting tantrums at bedtime and bathtime and we just decided enough was enough and worked out an action plan with our doctors at church.
Basically I've got a mini muffin tray full of lots of different fruits nuts vegetables and meats all in their original form all in their own separate little hole. There's a few things that stay there from day to day (sultanas, a nut slice with sesame seeds, nuts, and dried fruit, and some soft pine nuts) and the other things I refresh each day, and change a little to add variety. So far he's eaten cheese, cucumber, ham, and yoghurt. And he still gets his night time milk. Those foods are things that he's eaten quite happily on and off in the past, so nothing terribly new, but at least there's a small amount of diversity, and he will eventually try the other foods. It's so not fun being a mean parent. He started to climb the pantry yesterday trying to get to the crackers, and Jordan is not a climber so I'd say he was pretty desperate for those crackers! (I have since thrown out all the crackers in the pantry :) And he cried the saddest cry begging for them, and I just about cried and gave in! But I bit my lip, opened the fridge and offered him something else - he settled on a huge amount of cucumber! And an hour later when I got home from some grocery shopping, he saw the paper wrapped ham in the fridge and asked for ham!! He had about half of the 300g that I'd purchased. He was soooooooo hungry! And ham is what he settled on tonight after not being asleep for hours as he was so hungry. He probably devoured about 200g. Awesome.
As for bub #2? I'm still getting pregnancy symptoms, and even though I had a negative pregnancy test, I'm still remaining positive, as I'm not due to get my period for another 6 days.
I'm feeling those vague pinching cramps way down low, needed a nap this afternoon which is usually a sure sign I'm knocked up! Full ferns on my maybe baby everyday, even though this is day 22 of my cycle and not likely to be ovulating at this late point in my cycle. Plus what everyone said at church. So I'll probably take another test on thursday morning so that I can tell Celine in person as soon as possible incase I am pregnant. And if that one's negative too then I'll take another one on sunday morning before church. Trying not to get my hopes up, but still hoping and praying like crazy.
This is exhausting.
Well now that my son is definitely well and truly asleep, I will wrap him back up in his blanket, peel my sore butt off the floor outside his bedroom, and go and have a shower and wash this difficult day off my skin.

hope...

Today was interesting. We were at church and I've been having tender boobs for a few days, and some weird feelings in my belly.
I hugged my wonderful friend, and we're both so excited! We're both trying and hoping and praying desperately for a baby, and before I could say to her 'I think I may be pregnant' she said, 'I really feely you're pregnant, I can feel it in my 'waters'' so funny! She's hilarious. I love her to bits! She feels very strongly that this is the month for me, she's thinking she may be as well, but she's certain that I'm pregnant :) so lovely. So there was that, and Belinda asked me if I'm pregnant yet, and I said 'maybe! not sure, hopefully this month was the month!'. And then I passed Robin and Rebecca - beautiful souls - and they asked me how I was, they're finally back from New Zealand after 3 years, I saw Robin a few weeks ago, and he said as I left church that day that God will give me the desire of my heart. And so today, a few weeks later as I passed them in the kitchen, Robin asked me what the desire of my heart is, he felt God say to him to ask me that question - without hesitation I said 'a baby' and straight away they both started praying for me. Of course I cried. It's such a humbling thing to have people pray so fervently over you.

As they laid their hands on me, he prayed for a healthy conception, in God's timing, a blessed prenancy, and a blessed child. Just as it was with Jordan, he prayed for a wonderful succesful pregnancy without miscarriage, a wonderful birth, and a child blessed so much by God. A child with a wonderful future in God's plan. He said so much more but I don't remember, he quoted something in the bible, something about a prophecy parallelling a story in the bible. I wish I could remember more but I was crying and don't remember all of it.

So with all that happened today, and how I've been feeling these last few days, I'm thinking that this may be the month. Trying not to get my hopes up. Which in all honesty is impossible. But we'll see how it goes. My period is due monday next week, in 8 days. I guess I'll take a test during the week if I can't hold out until the weekend! Otherwise I should know in about a weeks time! Ugh. I'm so sick of doing this dance. Please Lord, grant me this.